Most of the time I feel all right. I'd say that 8 days out of 10, my cloud has a silver lining. There's a smile hidden behind my words, a joke behind my serious tone.
This year has been a tough one. I don't like to look back on it, because I am completely unable to compartmentalize. Inability to compartmentalize starts a quickly developing whirlwind where I look back at the events in my life and start to feel about them. Responsibility, pain, guilt, whatever. And then I drink.
My husband doesn't like me when I drink. I become more of the person that I am on this blog, loud, demanding, and obnoxious and mean, and less of the person that I am in real life. Sorry to disappoint, but I am not the snarky, funny, carefree person that I portray.
Alcohol for me is a dangerous friend. When I was working on the Master's, I'd have a glass of wine here, one there. The couple times I did overdo it, I thought, "Hey. I work hard. It's okay for me to play hard." When dh got back from the desert, we drank to get rid of those things that he saw and I imagined. I drank to get rid of the guilt that I was feeling for my actions over the summer; the way I hurt my parents and my family. And then the pregnancy and my grandmother's stroke slapped us in the face, and just a couple days ago, I FINALLY STARTED to feel like I was on an even keel again. I had lost my taste for wine and beer and was just looking for some type of normalcy. Alcohol as a crutch in and of itself is dangerous. Coupled with depression, it can be fatal.
Wednesday, I was at work. Dh's squadron was having a Thanksgiving party so I decided to be "wifely" and go. His new boss (who I had not met until that point) asked me if I was okay. "Sure!" I beamed. He said I was tough, to which one of the younger wives replied that I was probably tougher than anybody in there, or something to that effect. He kept talking about it, and I just wanted him to let it go already. I made it, barely, through that dinner without shedding a tear. When we arrived home, there was an e-mail from an old friend who I haven't talked to in about 6 months. The e-mail was happy, excited. She was 7 weeks pregnant and they had just returned from seeing the baby's heartbeat. I just kept her e-mail as new. I can't reply yet.
I popped open some champagne, and dh and I had a great night. We sat and laughed and it was good. He went to bed, and I just kept drinking. The events of the day caught up with me, and instead of feeling relaxed, as I had moments before, I felt frantic. Emotions from suicidal to psychotic. And I just got stuck there.
Suicide for me is not a stranger. Nor an option. But I know the desperation well. I attempted to end my life twice several years ago. Both attempts ended me in the hospital, the second one with a free stay in the mental hospital. Not a quality I find desirable in a friend, and qualities that I find unacceptable in myself.
Insecurity is another unwelcome flaw that I face every day. A counselor told me that if I let it, it will eat everything I love. My marriage. My friendships. Me. She said that I feel so unworthy that I will tell complete strangers every horrible thing about me I can think of so that they will be shocked and disgusted and will say, "You're right." You're not worth the friendship. And I do. Several of you have been subject to this side of me. A desperate me. I apologize.
A gross oversight that I have made thus far is pulling away from my husband. Instead of talking to him about stuff that I desperately need to get off my chest, I internalize it, or make phone calls, or IM the night away. In my skewed perspective, if I don't tell him, he can't leave me. Although he has told me time and time again that he WON'T leave, he will NEVER leave and has stuck by me through thick and thin, there is still that little voice "He'll go if you push him far enough. And you don't deserve him, so you better leave him first." But I couldn't bear to. Because even though I feel like I am on auto-pilot to self-destruct right now, I know I just need a little help, which is fully available to me, thankfully.
I have NEVER been this honest on the blog before, and I can't say if I ever will be again. But I feel like I was fooling myself by only presenting things that I thought would be appealing and funny. And pretty. There is not one person I know who doesn't stumble through life a little. I'm stumbling, but I'm trying to catch my myself.
If I say again that we are very alike I think I might sound like an internet stalker ;)
On a serious note I cannot tell you how much of what you just wrote that I can relate too and have been thru myself. Some differences of course but reading someone elses life and relating it to your own is scary and yet comforting at the same time if that makes any sense at all.....
Once, when I was feeling particularly unhappy with mysel, a friend of mine said, "Wecome to the human race." At first, I thought she was being flip, but as we talked, I realized she'd gone through similar things and had beaten herself up for not being better, funnier, nicer, whatever. Her point was that we each of us feel that way from time-to-time and no one is any better than the next person... or, fortunately, any worse.
I'm glad you are being yourself here. I know it's hard, but it's true to you and in this space, that's the best thing you can be.
You know, it takes a lot of courage and guts to share something like this. But I am so glad you did. It lets those of us who have found ourselves in the same predicament know that we are/were not alone. I would much rather read the honesty from someone's heart in 1 blog then visit 100 blogs full of phony bs! I love coming here and once again......you have gained more of my admiration for being so open. (((((Huggs))))))
Hi Alex
So you like my “funky banner” do you? Hey thanks for stopping by. It was really kind of you to show mercy to my poor blogging spirit. I read “Exercise” and I wasn’t sure if you were just weaving an intense story or be brutally frank, but I think it was the the latter.
Hang in there. I actually believe in prayer and you just made my list right after the "now I lay me down to sleep" part.
What is it Arnold says…"I’ll be back."
Duncan
PS…I "Blog Rolled" you…why does that almost sound perverse.
I think you're very tough... because you can admit to yourself that you "need a little help", because you know see that you're "pulling away" from your husband, because you're HONEST with yourself, because you know that we all "stumble". That right there proves you're tough... just need to give yourself a little more credit. :) We all do and say things that we wish we could take back and beat ourselves up about later... but it's pointless. Can't go back and change things, so might as well let it go and make the best of it, right? I hope tomorrow brings your cloud a bright "silver lining". ((HUGS))
Aw. Hang in there. It's completely normal to feel the way you do - as much as I hate it, self-doubt is a constant part of me, that eats away at my sanity. But you know what - that you realise it is a gigantic step. That's you're able to talk about it even moreso. Take up the offers of help, it's never good to keep this all inside. And keep looking for that silver lining - while I might seem annoyingly optimistic, it is really always there, just sometimes rather well-hidden.
You don't need any advice, just listen to your heart - Alcohol is just so much noise - you can't hear it. Take your husband at his word, and don't get down on yourself. We're all in the same leaky boat, don't jump overboard - bail like hell.
Very very brave post. I find that once you have been that honest, it is easier the next time.
I have almost killed myself with alcohol a couple of times. *hugs*
I hope you can find it in you to trust your husband. I lost the love of my life by being so afraid I would lose him that I finally did.
*sigh*
It was brave to write what you have, and I'm really glad you did. One of the greatest things about blogs and reading other peoples' thoughts is that it reminds you that you really aren't so alone. I could have easily written what you did (minus the DH factor), and I imagine that 90% of my difficulties with other people have to do with my insecurity. It's disheartening sometimes, because it's so hard to know how to change it- even though I see how it's destroyed many relationships I've had.
Anyways, thank you for writing about it.
Alex...wow. Just wow. I know how you feel and am going through the same thing right now. I am stumbling right along with you if you will. Your words perfectly describe how I feel and have felt most of my life. Thanks for sharing.