...trying to find you.

I typed your name on the keyboard, fingers idle, waiting for google to find you. Remembering how excited I was when I opened my Badtz Maru tin that I hadn't had access to in forever because it was in storage and there was my first and only scuba diving canister mini pink keychain, which I had begged you to part with the day I left Palau. And you did. And I was just wondering how you were, since I last checked. And google does find you, but it puts the word "late" before your name.

The late Carita Asanuma

I click on the link, impatient with the connection, to be greeted by your smiling face, next to a short blurb about how Palau Community College has set up a scholarship in your memory.

Struggling for poise, I call Momma and Daddy, wonder if they knew.

They didn't.

The worst part about this whole thing is that you died in 2004. And you didn't even tell me.

The last time we wrote was December 2003. I knew that you were sick, but you shrugged it off.

Hello Ms. Alex, have to get used to Mrs.
(edited).....;) addresss is P.O. Box (edited) Koror, Palau
and you shuld kknow the rest, but just incase u've
forgtten it's 96940.

I'll be leaving the Philippines on the 17th to go
home, yippie! I've been here for a while, ugh. You
really should plan on visiting, it'll be fun and we
can catch up. Scottie's back in Palau, probably lookng
for a job. You know that we broke up years ago, so I
don't know if i'll see him much.

I have my own place right in the middle of downtown
koror, so you can stay with me whenever you comem
down;) and your alwayys always welcome forever;)
hahahah....

Anyway, send me your address too,I'll send u a card
that will hopefully get there on time tooo! Well, i'll
send this off, so keep in touch k!

Your friend, Carit

Not a word, not a word.

All I can think is, "Why didn't you tell me?" At this point, I can surmise that you knew you were dying. And believe me, when it's my time, I'll be shouting it from the rooftops so all those of us who are left can come and love on me, because I'll need it. But I guess that's more me than you.

Dh calls, and I strain not to sound shaky and weird, because I don't even know if I'm allowed to be sad about you anymore. Even though I feel like I just got punched in the chest.

There are too many things that we didn't get to catch up on, and I guess now is a good a time as any.

I can count the number of women who I consider best friends on one hand. You are one of them. I never lied to you, felt the need to put on airs, or hide myself. I knew that whatever Alex I showed to you would be accepted unconditionally, and I thank you for that. I attribute you as having one of the largest positive impacts on my life, for which I am forever indebted.

Looking at the picture of you on the page, it doesn't look like you. I think of red wine and whale watching. I think of leaning over the boat with you, laughing as we tried to catch the dolphins before we dove Peleliu (which as you and I both know, was a complete disaster). I think about eating raw clams with you because you swore they were good and I almost choked. I think about our 'exercise walks' which were really just a good chance to dish.

I think about what you taught me about being a strong, smart, woman - and hope that you know I'm finally becoming comfortable with her. I'm not her yet, but I'm trying.

On the phone Daddy reminded me of the time that we rented that boat and went out, just you, me, and the rest of the girls. We sat on the beach and had *FRESH* sashimi, and shared your can of corned beef, because I told you I wouldn't eat spam.

Did I tell you that I was recently on a job interview? They asked me what the best time of my life was. I talked about Palau. With no disrespect to dh intended, I have nothing but fond memories, of which you were with me 99% of the time. So you know. Those times at Sunset. And singing Abba to the Turtles. And doing the Jello shots. And jumping off the cliff. Where you jumped, and I sat, terrified, until you just said, "Jump, dammit!" And I did.

And I want to get serious with you for a moment to say, "Hey. I mean it. You changed my life."

But because we spent more time living in the moment than living in the past, I focus on our healthy karaoke obsession, from which I have never recovered. To that, many, many people can attest. Although no one can quite do 4 non blondes like you, or get me to listen to Lauryn Hill like you do, that I promise.

I wanted to tell you all these things.
And hug you.
And thank you.
But if you are where I think you are...

..you already know.