Dear Ben (and because, you know, I'm on a first name basis with that *ahem* movie star),
Yeah. SO....(sucks in air through teeth) I watched your movie last night, Paycheck. Do you want the good news, or the bad news?
The good news is that I watched your quote unquote MOVIE right after I watched Scary Movie the threequel, so at least it was better than that. And Uma Thurman, but she wasn't that good at all. I mean, holy typecasting, BatMAN. She makes ONE cool movie...ONE! And now she's this ass kicking robot. THPT.
Bad news...how shall I tell thee? Let me count the ways...I would put it in list form, but a little birdie told me that I overused that backstage pass decades ago. Your movie bored me so much I am unsure I can even write a coherent, interesting comeback to it. Also, there's a bullshit commercial on for Slim in 6 right now. Silly bitch! Thighs just don't shrink! Your ass doesn't just melt! It takes hard work! Stop saying there is a magic pill or magic exercise, because there isn't! It just pisses me off when people use the word "shrink" in relation to the human body. Unless you're talking about male genitalia in cold water, It just ain't happenin! Where was I? Oh yeah, Ben.
Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben. (shaking head). You and Matty Boy did some phenomenal work in Good Will Hunting. I mean, the title! That was FUCKING genius! The whole movie was genius! But it's been downhill from there for you, my friend. First your engagement to J-Lo (What the hell were YOU thinking? She's a serial monogamist! You're a...a...well, shit. I don't know what your dating history is, and I can't say that I care. I don't read TIGER BEAT, and I don't give any kind of airborne copulation WHAT your favorite color is) then that farce of a movie Gigli. And just to piss you off, I'm totally saying it GIG LEE. Giggly. Giggly. Giggly. How you could you read that script and think it was good? I mean, you read, right? Did Matt write all the words to GWH and you just rode in on his coat tails? Or maybe your vision was temporarily impaired from all those flashing bulbs chasing you and your movie star/bad singer girlfriend and you couldn't see and you said you'd do it, and then you felt too bad to get out of it, ESPECIALLY after you two filmed that ridiculous vagina monologue, and you didn't want to piss any Hollywood producer off because, let's face it, you're not that great and you didn't want to risk it? Because I could totally get behind that. Somehow though, somehow...I just don't think those are your motivating factors.
Paycheck? A spectacular piece of tripe (And I've had tripe before, sweetcheeks. This one time? With BFS at the Orlando Latin Festival? Tripe. Mmm hmm. IN MY MOUTH. Make no mistake that it was spectacularly offensive.) . First of all, you were completely unbelievable as the engineer. I laughed so hard that I shot champagne out my nose (And since the stupid shoppette raised the price to ten bucks a bottle, this is NOT a particularly good thing. We can't all afford the Cristal, you know. Although in light of your recent cinematic choices, I daresay you might be joining the ranks of the Boone's Farm drinkers.) . Come on honey, you're cute, and relatively intelligent (and I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here) , but you're no genius. The acting? *shudder* Don't even get me started. When what's his name thinks he's going to kill you and you're hanging from that plastic chain link looking thingy swinging from the platform and you're supposed to be choking? There's holes big enough to fit children through, much less your big head! And then when you and Uma jumped on to the plastic curtains and fell off? How far was that fall? Three feet? C'mon! If you're not going to give us some Oscar material, at least give us some action! I was so bored during the "high octane chase scenes" that I refilled my glass 8 times in at least as many minutes AND checked all my favorite blogs while knitting Momma's one eyed poodle an eye patch (Insert visual of me doing that breathe on nails thing and rubbing them on my sweater. Although, she did just have him fixed, so I can't imagine him needing any of that doggie MOJO to impress the bitches HOW PUNNY AM I? ). I can't even remember ONE memorable thing you said in the movie. Not one word. And that guy you hired to be the memory eraser? Not the creepy one, but your "friend"? The way you hug him in the movie after the three years, you can totally tell that you just put him in to make you look better. Like Eminem and D-12. His white is HIGHLIGHTED by their darker skin. Put him with a bunch of white boys, and he'd be N'Sync. He could be the asshole. Put YOU in with your friend guy, and you immediately look PRETTY GOOD. Like when I'm picking which banana to eat for breakfast and they have been ripening a while? None of them look GREAT, but I choose the one that looks PRETTY GOOD. That's you.
I guess what I'm saying is it's time to throw the towel in, honey. Speaking of towels, don't you think that'd be a good job for you? I can think of a country club washroom or two that you would totally look appropriate in. I think that was a better look for you. White polo shirt, little white shorts, white socks, and white tennis shoes, handing out towels. And know what? The teenage girls would TOTALLY tip you. I'm a teacher, so I know these things.
Take care now! And I don't mean "now" in general, I mean NOW. Get thee to a gym and get thee on an elliptical machine! Jockus muscularis randomis? NOT A GOOD LOOK FOR YOU! You want me to order some of that Slim in 6 for you?