Rainbow Trite | TCWH

I just got an e-mail from a really good friend of mine. WHO IS MY AGE. She's 8 weeks pregnant. We had talked about it here and there, but I never really thought she would do it! I am happy for her. But hearing that she was pregnant left a heartburny feeling right up in my ribcage, accompanied by that old friend of mine, nausea. I have identified it as pure fear. DH and I said we would have a baby after I was done with my Master's program. I am done with my Master's program. I am most decidedly not ready. Getting pregnant scares the shit out of me. To help you understand, I have posted a list (another one, TCWH? Oh YAY! I know, I know. I'm jumbled. Leave me alone. Well, not really, because then my awstats would hurt and I would cry. Really.)

1. Hemorrhoids.
2. Pooping on the table. Momma has assured me that this DOES NOT happen to the women in our family, but of every kajillion women I have polled, "Did you poop on the table?", 2 said yes. I don't think it would be very good for the imaginary baby if I refused to eat solid foods during the entire pregnancy. This is the girl who refused to go to the bathroom during college if there was anyone else in there. For anything! When my boyfriend lived in a house that had a bathroom adjacent to the bedroom, I walked home every morning. To go to the bathroom. Complex? Yes, I'll have about 79 of those, please.
3. Birthing the placenta. After you HAVE the baby and possibly poop on the table (obsess much?) , THEN you have to birth the placenta which they put in a bin and sort through? Dear GOD, if I had not run into a pregnant lady, when were they going to tell me THAT?
4. The ring of fire. Also known as when the head pops out. Judging by the name, I don't think there's any "popping" going on. Morel like a slow, extremely painful torture. RING. OF. FIRE. Now I don't know about y'all, but that sounds like it hurts. Just a little.
5. The actual kid. I went over to a friend's house the other day. She has two babies. SHIT FIRE on a BISCUIT! Those kids OWN you.
6. I might suck at being a mom. I don't like blood. I don't have lots of patience. I'll kick the shit out of anyone who hurts my kid, physically or emotionally. These are not desirable qualities in a mother, as far as I'm concerned.
7. Ummm, hello? I would have to stop drinking red wine for at least until I stop breastfeeding. They don't even sell non-alcoholic wine on this stupid base. Which reminds me...
8. Breastfeeding. My friend told me that the kid just chomps on your nipples until they are so sensitive that it feels like there's bear traps latched on there. Bonding my ass! She said it hurt so bad that she cried. AND she said it NEVER feels the same when your husband kisses your boob again. So I've got all this to look forward to? Well sign me up!
9. I DO NOT WANT ALL THOSE PEOPLE TOUCHING ME. PERIOD. OR ANYWHERE NEAR THAT GENERAL AREA OF MY BODY. PERIOD.

That's all I can think of right now, but rest assured I WILL be adding to this list. And don't go spouting love and bullshit at me. I already know! I'm weighing my options! There's nothing like getting myself all worked up before I head off to work. WITH! LITTLE! KIDS! It always makes for a *great* day. Neuroses. It's my own private little corner (corner? PFFT! Who the fuck am I kidding? I get the whole damn floor!) of hell.

1. Hemorrhoids MIGHt happen. They did with 2 of mine not 1.
2. You probably will poop. 50% chance however YOU WONT FUCKING CARE. TRUST ME. You're going to be tired. Snoring in between contractions and pushing. YOU WONT CARE.
3. You wont feel the placenta.. not after a 8 lb baby. You also wont see them 'sorting through it'. You'll be too busy crying and holding the baby or telling every one to back the fuck off and bring you a soda NOW.
4. Ring of Fire? Isn't that a movie? I don't remember that part hurting and I did it 3 times ( NO PAIN KILLER EVER)
5. I'd rather give birth 500 times in my life then the actual kid. So this would be number ONE on my list.
6. You'd make a great mom.
7. You don't HAVE to stop drinking. YOU just cant drink THAT MUCH.
8. Yeah breastfeeding is a bitch until the brat gets the hang of it. And yes it DOES feel the same when your husband kisses your boob again.

No love and bullshit here. Just telling you how it is.
You might poop, you WILL pee, you WONT care, and kids suck ass.

comment by rachel at 07:46 AM on 05.21.04 [ link ]

With me, it always comes down to seeing the movie, "Alien" one too many times. I can't stand the thought of something growing inside of me. I don't think I will ever get past this phobia.

comment by She-Dork at 03:54 AM on 05.22.04 [ link ]

hmmm...hemmeroids? check.

Pooping on the table? I dunno, no one mentioned it to me. I did puke with the first one tho.

ring of fire? nope, had an epidural. Had to sit in a sitz bath for 3 days post delivery tho...stiches hurt.

breastfeeding? nope. formula. i don't eat well enough to sustain myself, let alone a whole other person.

placenta? no problem. it landed right in a trash can (im not kidding.)

mom instincts? kicked right in. i personally was not a nervous wreck and i have actually aquired patience that i never had before.

of course, i have 2 kids and just got fixed so i can't have any more....so it's not a process i would like to repeat over and over and over...

comment by Kristie at 01:54 PM on 05.23.04 [ link ]

I read a book about kids who are stuck in foster care around the age of 20, and decided then that I didn't want to have kids because I was going to adopt. Old types always tell me I'll change my mind, but as time goes by, the more reasons I find not to want to give birth, such as, oh, having to be pregnant and give birth.

I hope this doesn't sound insulting to mothers, but I'm pretty sure the only reason people get pregnant is because it's very easy to live in denial of how crappy the whole deal is.

I still think I'd like to adopt. Maybe in five years or so... an older girl, somewhere in the ages of 7 to 10. I like this idea particularly in the single parent scenario. I would absolutely not want to have a baby alone.

comment by Marian at 04:37 AM on 05.24.04 [ link ]

The best thing about having babies (there are many, but these are my top three):

3) Fastest weight-loss program -- ever.

2) You honestly, REALLY do forget what labor was like -- or at least the intensity -- otherwise there would be only one child in each family. Trust me on this.

1) You get this reeaaallly great door prize.

I've had two children. (Of course, they're now hardly "babies," they're 13 and 16) I wouldn't have changed it for anything. Don't be skeerd. :)

comment by Emma at 05:28 PM on 05.28.04 [ link ]