Ladies, (and gentlemen who like to wear thongs. See? I don't discriminate) before you walk out the door, please do yourself the favor of not only doing the once over to your front, but also to your back. Specifically: Your butt. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean that the rest of us want to spend the day averting our eyes because you are violating numerous lunch and health codes with your underwear. Please people, some of us are trying to eat/watch a soccer game/book an airplane ticket. Do us and you a favor. Can't well all just get along?
Perhaps the two most blatant of these violations are 1.)Thong with velour track suit, and 2.) Granny pants with low slung jeans. Let us keep in mind that while jeans and other pants necessitate a no panty line look and are therefore made to gently camouflage Mother Nature's imperfections (read: cellulite and square butt/no butt) VELOUR and any other type of track suit are NOT FORGIVING. They will highlight any bulge, bump or lump in the area of your posterior. They will magnify! your maximus!, glutteus. It is also only fair to mention that if your thong is too small, it will squeeze the top of your butt giving you handles above and below the panty line - a most unattractive mix of matching love and butt handles, if you will. Those pounds I gained? From the handfuls of Jalapeno chips? WILL NOT BE CAUGHT DEAD in velour pants with a thong. I repeat: NOT ATTRACTIVE IN A TRACK SUIT. Similarly, if you are a fashion victim as of late (which I most decidedly am) , you will have encountered the low cut pant. A low cut pair would be wise here. GRANNY PANTS ARE NOT. If when you sit down? You have two inches of unmentionables hanging out on your midriff ALL THE WAY AROUND? You need to go home and change. In fact, I believe there are very affordable low rise underwear in a variety of fashions at nearly every store from K-Mart to Victoria's Secrets. Buy some, I beg of you.
Let's recap:
1.) VELOUR/SOFT FABRIC = NO THONG. Unless you can bounce a quarter off that shit.
2.) LOW CUT PANT = LOW CUT UNDERWEAR. This should be a no brainer. I don't really need to know what color, size, and brand you've invested in.
3.) I almost forgot. The whole thing that started me on this. Pink Track Suit? White Skin? Too Small black thong? Doesn't work.
My point? Look in the mirror. At your butt. Before you leave the house. You'll get bow chicka wow wow more often. Promise.