When DH first got home, he said I was disgustingly skinny. Clothes that I had purchased over the summer hung off my hips and butt, gaping awkwardly whenever I sat down. Yeah, well, that was short-lived. Yesterday? When I came home the other day? My apartment did that thing. It shook when I walked. The floor went boom boom boom, with all the glass jingling. Like I'm some kind of elephant or something. "No Problem!" I thought to myself, "I'll just pop in those Firm Ladies, and they'll help shape me up!" (And we all know that when I think something is going to be easy, it rarely is. Well, IT NEVER IS, except when I think when it is going to be easy to convince DH that I don't want that new, bigger, diamond, for example. All I have to do is lift an eyebrow, in that case. Not to worry, he's smarter that that - he says I'm like a bird in that instance. I'm all like "Ooh! Shiny! And then I carry it off in my mouth.) I mean, nevermind that I just went to the commissary yesterday and bought double stuffed oreo's. I can burn that off, right? RIGHT?! Nevermind that I just ate a whole container of roasted red pepper hummus topped with extra large black olives. I can burn that off, too, right? Nevermind that I've been indulging in some Yellow Tail just about every night and that alcohol has the calories that'll inflate your gut like a round squeaky balloon, I EAT CELERY! I EAT VEGETABLES! I just like them in between my M&M's. Packages of M&M's, I mean (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) . I bet ya'll are shaking your heads at me, thinking I never learn. Well, we know that. I don't. I am also a creature of habit, and my habit, after stressing myself down to a stick is EAT! EAT! EAT! Eat with DH! Eat whatever I WANT!
I will eat it on my break!
I will eat it with a rake!
Shovel Shovel!
EAT MORE FAST!
SHOVEL SHOVEL
IT WON'T LAST!
I will ignore my buttons poppin'
Quick! To the Firm Girls I must get Hoppin'!
Which leads us to where we are now. And what could be easier than taking off the extra pounds which I enjoyed putting on after the purchase of my new handy dandy Firm Addition, THE BOX?
Well, let me tell y'all. While I've been alternately starving and stuffing myself, these bitches have been on the HYDROXYCUT, or some such something, because they are ripped up! They are no longer the healthy looking girls that they were when the Firm Fanny Lifter and Firm Sculpting Stick videos came out. The "Wow! These women look like they work out AND eat!" look is gone. You can see every sinewy muscle, every vein, every EVERYTHING in their bodies. They look like Madonna did after Ray of Light. You knew she was working out, but you couldn't help nudging your buddy and saying, "Does she look like she's on steroids?" Which leaves me wondering if I'll have to find new work out partners. I can't possibley be expected to keep up with these trendsetters. They're looking less and less like friendly moms who just happen to be master firm instructors and more like those girls on those show on ESPN who my neighbor says, "make him lose control of his motor functions."
Yeah, yeah. I know I need a job. Too much time on these idle hands. Maybe Santa will bring me a treadmill for my birthday. AND DON'T YOU EVEN THINK that I am too much of a princess to run normally. I'm not. BUT I do value my lungs. The doctor here? Said that living in Japan is the equivalent of a two pack a day habit. I'm trying to breathe heavily as little as possible. When I'm outside that is :)