In my later days, I have come to appreciate exercises that don't require me to bounce up and down endlessly, throwing my body out of whack to keep up with the obviously crack addicted instructors. I tried the water aerobics here, but they made you put those noodles between your legs for floating. Noodles. Between your legs. My friend Jessica was so traumatized by the "action" that she said, "It made me feel uncomfortable in a funny place." Nothing like using your words to say what you mean. Specifically, nobody wants to be caught in the community pool bobbing up and down whilst straddling a blue noodle.
Noodles abandoned, I turned to Yoga. Cassie, our instructor is amazing and thoughtful and soft spoken and freakishly strong. One of my colleagues pshawed me saying that it seemed all girly and therefore couldn't possibly make you hurt, because remember tough guys, NO PAIN, NO GAIN! Grunt grunt. I challenged him to come join us. He has yet to show up.
I have to insert here that I am disgustingly competitive. I HAVE TO BE MY BEST. As you all can imagine, especially with my gift for lack of concentration, balance, and common sense, this is always a challenge. I obviously haven't learned yet. I still WANT! TO! BE! NUMBER! ONE!
Last class was no different. There I was, proudly folding my body in half and contorting it in all sorts of healthy manners. The Cassie introduced the crow. The only way I can possibly describe this pose is well, in a round about way. Description is not my best friend. Let's list, shall we?
1.) Crouch like a frog.
2.) Place your hands farther away from your feet as you begin to shift your weight forward.
3.) Stick your butt up in the air by straightening your legs a bit.
4. When you get comfortable with your balance, remove your feet from the floor and balance your shins on top of your elbows.
Screw it. Here's a visual:
Y'all need to understand that up until this point, I had fallen out of every pose I had attempted that day. I rolled off the ball, fell out of a bridge and almost broke my nose when I lost concentration in the shoulder stand. Not a good day to be balancing like this, verdad? Cassie wouldn't let us give up. She kept saying, "Just try it!" So I did. And I got it. And I held it. For like a minute. So what do I do? Brag about it.
TCWH: (resisting urge to nyah, nyah) DH! DH! Look what I can do!
DH: (laughing) I can do that!
TCWH: (indignant because he is better at everything than I am. Seriously. It's annoying.) No you can't! Show me!
DH: Attempts it. Let's be nice and say it's been a while.
TCWH: (proudly) hops into crow pose.
Half way into this, while I was trying to hold it and say, "LOOK, LOOK, I'M BETTER THAN YOU!" I ate shit. I felt myself falling forward and tried to balance out (like a lever, because I like science) by shooting my legs out behind me. It seems that somewhere within the last 3 years I remembered some documentary on the cheetah's tail acting like a balance. Why did I try to imitate this animal who had absolutely nothing to do with the position I was in? I panicked. The floor was approaching quickly. I'm no grace under fire. My failed Animal Planet attempt resulted in my face planting itself directly into the carpet. Resulting in brush burn. Resulting in dh saying "Looks like you got slapped in the face with a penis."
He's still laughing.