Dear Al Roker,
Today, as I was watching your show "Roker on the Road", I was thoroughly and utterly convinced that you are the Anti-Christ. I can't tell you what specifically convinced me of such. Only that I was unable to change the channel. And was therefore forced to sit and watch your "show".
I watched in horror and fascination as you sang "Shake it, shake it, shake it like a polaroid picture" with the Bubble Tea Man whilst you both wiggled your booties in imitation of the tapioca and tea mixing machine. It was bad enough that you were referencing a well-known pop culture ditty. What pushed this blatant whoring for younger viewers over the edge was when you didn't stop. I can hear your producer "One more verse, Al! You want to make sure the MTV generation KNOWS that you're down with Andre 3000! Make the song your bitch!" And you did. It was disturbing; I was unable to peel my eyes away. Like this summer when I was driving along with my parents and upon pulling in to our driveway and seeing some unattended dogs, Daddy sang, "Who let the dogs out?" and Momma chimed in for "Who? Who? Who? Who?" and they sang until my ears started bleeding. Never mind that it is 2004 and that song came out a good long while ago. Horror AND Fascination.
Now, I'm no linguist, but I do try, when speaking other languages ESPECIALLY IN THE PUBLIC EYE - I mean hasn't this ugly, arrogant American stereotype been furthered long enough? - I do try to get verification on the word that I am trying to say. I do know that there is a rather large number of Mandarin speaking Americans out there. And I also know that they probably gaped in disbelief at the screen as you mangled the pronounciation for dumpling, saying it to rhyme with that catchy phrase, "Yowza, yowza, yowza!" The worse part? You kept saying "Jowza, Jowza, Jowza!" like a little kid repeating the punchline to a joke that is most certainly not funny because they made it up all by themselves and are pretty damn proud of themselves, so just keep repeating it over and over again until you want to smack them. Just from me to you? It's Jiao zi. I know perhaps you were too busy tightening the belt on your rapidly disappearing figure to verify with the Taiwanese man who was standing right NEXT to you, but you have an international fan base now. You have to be willing to shoulder these overwhelming responsibilities.
And speaking of fan bases, let me ask you a question. Just who exactly is watching your show? I was going to ask you who you THOUGHT was watching your show, but with such advances as Nielsen ratings and BIG BROTHER (who is watching all of us) I am sure you know. Myself, I am an almost 30, mixed ethnicity female who likes pina coladas and getting lost in the rain. I am sure this puts me in the perfect demographic for your target audience. Who, may I ask were you trying to amuse/stop from changing the channel/shock when you did your street talkin' rapper voice yo yo yo accompanied by the arms folded over pose?
Your complete willingness to whore yourself out for viewers is...well, it has left me speechless. Maybe you should get a blog. If you did that AND had a show? I'd really know that you were Satan.
Respectfully,
TCWH.