I know we've talked about this before. I can't drop it. And I can't find a good place to stick it. I know I'm a big fan of the "shove it up your ass" philosophy, but I don't think that's applicable in this case.
Look at this picture for a sec, will ya?
The woman? Not an ounce of fat on her body. I don't know about y'all, but I'm not this ummm, curvaceously challenged. If I stick that sucker on my stomach, there's gonna be problems. Ever stuck a band aid on your knee? Every time you bend it, it's overextended and lays flat against your skin, and then every time you stand and straighten, it just flaps there, annoyingly. It's the same thing with the patch, but different, because it's all over sticky, as opposed to the band aid only on the strips sticky. If you sit, or slouch, it's bent knee tight, and then when you stand and your stomach skin becomes less abundant or less concentrated, since it is all over sticky it just wrinkles. And then it is the equivalent of a wrinkly, itchy piece of plastic wrinkling and crinkling under your clothing.
So? You say. Put it on your butt. Hmmm, let's explore that. Observe here:
And click here
For all of those who wanted to see butt, here you go! Granted, it's not as nice as a Hustler butt, but for you real crack addicts (Punny! And Punchy!) out there, a fix is a fix, hunh? Medically oriented or otherwise!
Now I don't know about you, but unless y'all look like Calista Flockhart a la Ally McBeal, whenever you sit down all that excess skin wrinkles and dents. I bet you're sitting down right now (Rocket Scientist! Right HERE!) . Take a second and have a feel back there. (Shut up. It's for science.) Same as the stomach. I once went to high school with a kid whose butt was so flat it was actually concave, and I think he is the one that tested this product, because I can't see it working on anyone else.
And we haven't even discussed the "pull-up" factor. It sticks to underwear, pants, anything that may happen to come within range of that zealously sticky little sperm stopper. But it doesn't peel all the way off, no, it just gathers the lint from said clothing and makes a nice, square, ring of stick that I have to scrub off weekly with a loofah scraper in the shower.
Being the rocket scientist that I am, I figured there was less wrinkle and fat closer to the crack, so last week I stuck that sucker as close to that part of my rear end as I could without actually sticking it in there. And the higher up,the better, right? Because that part is closer to your back, where there is less fat and less skin to wrinkle. Right? Yeah, TCWH you just keep telling yourself that. And all those containers of paste you ate made you smart! The end peeled up and kept sticking to my other cheek. It was reminiscent of the time Steve-O pierced his butt cheeks. With Birth Control. I was never happier to rip that off than I was yesterday.
What about here?
The sheer undoability of this area should be obvious. Especially if you work with children.
Them: "What's that?"
Me: ....
I thought I was pretty clever the time I told one of my kindergarten students that my belly button ring was actually a loop I used to hold up my pants, and let me tell you, me and the quips? Once every 75 years. And it's hot in that building. I wear short sleeves.
It's on my back now. In the middle. Where I can't reach it. Because if I could, I think I'd rip the damn thing off, paste it on dh's leg hairs and rip it off as fast as I could, you know, just to see if it has any alternate usefulness.
I hope this goes down in the annals of medical history as a "bad idea". Just like that other birth control that they put under your skin but looked like you had the alien fingers popping out? My roommate swore by it until she started losing part of her vision, accompanied by loss of feeling in her left leg. Once she was limping around and occasionally falling over in her coke bottle glasses, the frat boys quit coming 'round and she had no need it for it anymore. Win-win situation in my book, but that's another story.
I know you're asking yourself why I don't switch, umm, to something less sticky, but I am not allowed. The doctor made me do it.
NEW GRUMPY MOTTO: TCWH - She'll tell you where to stick it.