I realize that I have been typing lately, and while writing, have thought "Funny story. I"ll insert that later." Well, here we are, later. So I'll insert now. I don't know what reminded me of this (EDITED: Yes I do! E. is the same roommate I mentioned yesterday who exposed my burnt, inappropriately covered - for a kindergarten teacher - backside to all those lucky enough to be with us at the stoplight that day. Thanks, E.!) - probably the fact that dh and I have been thinking about going back to Saipan for Spring Break and the memories of the early morning runs by the ocean and shining sun are flashing through my mind as I freeze my ears off on the walk to school in the morning. I know, I know, that's what hats are for.
When I lived there in 1999, I roomed (apartmented?) with another teacher who referred to herself as E. She's crazier than any drug I've ever come into contact with, I'll let y'all know that right now. A great adventurer, she travels too and fro loving men from other countries with romantic abandon and prolific, jealousy-inducing detail (the travel, not the romantic abandon) , all during the summer and holiday months when she is not molding the young minds of our future nation. An extremely intelligent individual, she seems to have sporadic lapses in judgment that often place her and those in her company (in this case, ME) in bizarre and uncomfortable situations.
One sunny Saturday morning before the ex and I were ex'ed, or even 'us'ed, we arrived at beachside hotel to be informed that our workshop had been cancelled for the day. Ecstatic, we stopped by the local mini-mart, and grabbed a bottle of vodka and some Bloody Mary mix, because everybody knows that when you're 24 and living on a tropical island and you have the beach in your backyard, the best way to spend a previously booked day is to lay on the beach with your buddies and imbibe.
E. pulled up around 7:45 am and said, "What are you guys doing?" We raised our glasses by way of invitation and she was on that beach in less than 4 minutes flat, counting the phone call to her Mom in the states she made every Saturday morning. We laughed, we lolled about in the water. We frolicked, we splashed. We drank. We ran out of mix. Uh Oh.
Like a herculean answer to our prayers, my former roommate, Rhino (aptly named as he was over six feet and 200 pounds) pulled up with his traveling cooler of morning margaritas. He was just stopping by to see if we wanted to hit Wing Beach. Comfortable at our own beach, we coaxed him out of his chariot and implanted him firmly between the three of us.
We whiled away hours on the beach, that day. Remaining in the water until we were as pruny and wrinkled as the sea cucumbers that sprinkled the floor of our newly acquired living room. The beauty and serenity of the day was not wasted, I noticed as I observed Rhino and E. kissing and giggling while returning from my umpteenth bathroom trip. Sun and sand have a way of weaving you into their magic. Or mischief. Depends on who you're locking lips with.
Truthfully, I thought nothing of the "romance". They were margarita happy, the sun was shining, why not snuggle up to a friend? Besides, with the unchanging rotation of men and women on the island, it was not uncommon to bear witness to two friends who you would NEVER, and I do mean NEVER put together, hook up. That's how I met and subsequently divorced my first husband. Tropical islands make you do bizarre things. It's something in the water. I thought nothing of it.
In fact, the day in question remained a fond memory until about 3 weeks later, when I received a frantic call from E, at the ex's apartment.
E: Ali? Are you there? Ali? I have to ask you something.
Ali: What? What is it? Are you all right? Are you hurt?
E: No, no. Remember that day?
Ali: What day, E? We live together, remember, we spend every day together.
E (exasperated and near tears): You know! The day! When we were all at the beach?
Ali:...E, we go to the beach just about every day after school! Which day, honey? You're going to have to be more specific.
E: The day! That your workshop was cancelled! That we spent on the beach in front of the apartments!
Ali: Yes! Of course! That was fun, wasn't it? I wish we had more times like that to just hang out and relax!
E: No! It wasn't fun! My period is late!
Ali (shocked into disbelief. Kissing is one thing. Sex is another): You had SEX with RHINO? I thought you didn't even like him!
E: No, No! We didn't have sex!
Ali (slowly becoming suspicious): Then how would you become pregnant if you didn't have sex with him? Were you in a compromising (read: Naked and girl parts and boy parts entwined) position with him?
E: No, No! Nothing like that! We were around you the whole time! You were there! We didn't have sex!
Ali (pointed question and quickly becoming impatient because it is still dark outside in the a.m.): Then how would you be pregnant, E?
E: Well, you know how we were all in the water, right?
Ali: Yes. I remember that part vividly. We were in the water all day.
E: Well, I just thought that if, he, you know, ejaculated into the water while he was near me...
Ali: Wait, wait, wait. First of all, you didn't even touch his penis. Second of all, you think he ejaculated into the water just from you guys kissing and that his, and LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT, wayward sperm made their way through the ocean up your vagina and impregnated you? (I think I was yelling at this point. Remember, I used to live with the boy. I knew his sexual habits inside out, and randomly ejaculating into the water in the proximity of girls he hooked up with was not one of his traits.)
E (admantly): Yes. It's possible, you know.
Ali: All right, all right. Did you take a pregnancy test?
E: Yes.
Ali: And????
E: It came out negative.
Ali (incredulous): So what is the PROBLEM, E (seriously resisting urge to run down to our apartment and knock some sense into her)?
E: Well, you know how sometimes those things are inaccurate, and I just have this feeling, and well, can you call him?
Ali (quickly realizing that this is about to get more ridiculous than it already is): Rhino? For what?
E: Well, could you ask him if he ejaculated in the water?
Ali: What?!?! You want me to what?!?! His tongue was in YOUR mouth, and you can't ask him? C'mon E, I don't want to ask him that!
E: Please? I'm just really afraid that I might be pregnant!
Ali: Are you serious! All right, all RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! BUT YOU! NEVER! ASK ME TO MAKE! A PHONE! CALL! OF THIS NATURE! AGAIN!
Being the loyal roomate that I was, I called him. And had to ask one of my good friends if he ejaculated in the water anywhere NEAR E. THAT was a great conversation. If I recall correctly, after he hung up on me in disbelief, he didn't talk to me for three weeks after that. Roomates ARE great!