I don't really know what it is about that song, but I just love it. When I hear it, I am reminded of the time we were driving along in my friend's Classic, 4 kids in the front, 4 kids in the back - all heads bobbing up and down in perfect synchronicity. Do I remember who I was with? No. Do I remember where we were going? Yes. To a pizza place, I think, where we danced in the aisles between the tables.
Yesterday at dinner, dh and I were talking about our NEW! SHINY! Non-drinking, non-smoking selves. We were out at the grilling meats place and there was BEER! on the menu and BEER! at the table next to us, and BEER! on my mind. My taste buds were in production overload at the thought of a cool, frosty, mug - almost to the point where I felt ridiculous. "Why don't you just have one with dinner?" dh asked, but some little place inside me knew that I am not satisfied with 6 weeks only - and I knew that I hadn't been walking on this alcohol free road for long enough. I guess I'll just know when it's been enough - whether it is in two days or ten years. And as a lover of the red wine, it is a tough walk on the weekends.
Quitting drinking hasn't been what I thought it was. I expected a MIRACLE! I would drop weight, quit fighting, and be able to find a happy medium between my distinct personalities. When I was drinking, there was a huge discrepancy between drunk Alex and sober Alex. I thought those two would deliciously blend into one to form a quieter Alex. I don't think I've ever been more wrong. Now we have work Alex and home Alex. Work Alex is the nurturer, calm, patient. Home Alex, well, I don't think I have to describe her to you, but let's just say she has been anything but calm and patient lately.
As for the weight, well, shit. When dh was gone, I dropped about 10 pounds, and was ideal, I thought. I felt fit. I was exercising regularly and although not that healthy (smoking, overdrinking, etc) was THIN - the glorified word. Now, it seems like every time I go to the doctor, the scale goes up. Wait! Let me take off these super heavy earrings and boots and CLOTHES and belly button lint! I want to cry before she records my weight in the FOLDER OF DOOM. Bastards.
Can I just tell you what a surreal experience it was to be at the doctor? While things have healed on the outside, we have no idea what the inside is doing. The tube could just be floating around, unattached, like two wayward shower heads, each completing figure eights of their own accords. Whereas family members whispered quietly to dh, "Can she still have babies?" now they are a little bit more curious, as am I.
We will have the test on the 8th. With the iodine and the tubes and the "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" Texas Longhorns on the screen. Sometimes when I'm in Yoga class and she tells us to "relax and let go", I hold my hand over the scar on the right and try and project goodness and light and reattachment onto that little spot. My left tube is jealous. I haven't been to Yoga in a long time.
In more ways than one the laparoscopy occurrence was like missing the train. Dh returns. Pregnant, baby = NEW LIFE! all while we still had the window of opportunity wide open. 5 months later, that window is damn near closed with dh separating and my contract ending in June, HOORAY! That means no determined source of income OR health insurance. For the monetary mathematicians out there like myself, that means NO BABY. Judging by the state of our fish tank, that might be the smartest thing I've typed all year.
I don't feel particularly sad about any of this, I have to say. For me, it is kind of like watching some one else's life. Detached amusement and introspection. There's not much else I can say about it. Not today, anyway. I'm too busy damning those M&M's I had for breakfast.
Ok, I haven't read the whole post yet, so I'll add some more wisdom in a minute...
But! When did you quit drinking? I understand quitting smoking -- been there myself, the whole not-dying thing convinced me -- but drinking?
Alcohol is good in many ways. In addition to being tasty, it also allows you to forget about some of the stuff that is pissing you off. Unless you are an angry drunk (but that has its benefits too).
Additionally, WTF?
that really didn't go where I was expecting it to. Hmm. Well then.
Brian is not a doctor and will therefore refrain from commenting further.
Eh, so, how are the fish? You didn't kill them yet? (or did you?)
Whoo, has it been 6 weeks already? Ha, sure it feels alot longer to you ;)
I had M&M's for breakfast with a RedBull and I wonder why my ASS is getting huge...
I think it's fabulous that you've made it six weeks, and that you are trusting yourself to know when the "time is right." That's about all you can do. That's how we handle it over here, too, when we make decisions similar to that one.
And I think the Yoga healing light is good for you.
And you and your tube will be in our thoughts.
Congrats on 6 weeks! Change doesn't happen over night though. Eventually work Alex and home Alex will blend. :)
Alex, I must give you props for recognizing that your drinking wasn't very healthy for you, stopping, and even blogging about it. You are very brave and more courageous than you realize.
I'm sure you guys will do just fine coming back to the States. You can teach anywhere (Hawaii is especially desperate) and DH can get a civil service job, I'm sure.
And geez, you don't need to lose more weight, girl, you already are thin enough to me!