There comes a point, sometime during the almost Spring, when every female realizes that she will ultimately have to make another appearance in a bikini. Or some sort of sun-friendly apparel. For me, that day was SATURDAY. As I was writing my post, it suddenly dawned on me - during much of my time in Saipan, I would be in a bathing suit. Shit.
If y'all will recall, even though I quit drinking for awhile (No! I am not talking about it AGAIN! I'm making a point, I promise. I am not flaunting my life choice in y'all's faces, for real. I am not like the lady who doesn't eat chocolate and says, "The other day? When I was wanting an ice cream really bad and didn't eat it because the spoon that the lady uses to scoop out icecream might have chocolate on it and I don't eat chocolate..." I am not her. Maybe the vegetarian her, but not HER.Go, drink. BE MOTHERFUCKING MERRY!) , I supplemented all those now absent calories with CANDY. AND CHOCOLATE. AND CANDY. AND CHOCOLATE. Last month somebody could've just thrown a damn feed bag of peanut M&M's around my neck and it would've been the equivalent. Maybe I should've take up smoking. That's an appetite supressant, right?
This panic! panic! means that I have been at the gym, straining muscles I didn't even KNOW existed. I am considering leaving dh for the inventor of the butt machine - which makes it hurt to sit down and rest a spell, something I have been doing entirely too much this school year.
I will fit in that cherry bikini, dammit. Child bearing hips be damned.
In other, less self-involved news (PSHAW!) I have a carnivorous goldfish, fat little fucker, he is. Today dh and I caught him with a fish tail coming out of his mouth. I was hoping he would choke on it and therefore effectively end his own life instead of me having to off him, but no, the wasteful glutton just spit the whole damn thing out minus the head. Thanks. I tried yelling at him through the glass, but he just gave me a blank look and started waving the fish tail around in my face. Taunting me. "Oh, was this your favorite fish, TCWH? Bloop. Bloop. I'll eat him all up! And then I'll spit him all out so you will be haunted by his tiny, defenseless corpse. Bloop. Bloop." Why is it that animals think they have to leave you a present? This cat I used to know would make presents of various squirrel parts on the deck, the pretty parts, you know, that we can make crafts out of, like the kidney and the tail. One of which I promptly fried up and fed to a baby, and the other of which I stuck in my hat and called it macaroni. I mean, I love dh, but I don't feel the need to regurgitate some of my smoothie at his feet, peer adoringly up into his eyes and coo, "See how much I love you?" Do the species of higher intelligence do that? Never mind - I saw a gorilla eating his own poop at the zoo this summer. Scratch that.
And now for the latest installment of watch TCWH scramble frantically for a teaching job. Look:
Scramble scramble. Frantic, frantic.
Frantic. Scramble. Frantic. Scramble.
Funny, hee hee!
Clearly I have had too much time off and need to return to work. Did I tell you about the cool new pencil I got? It's self-adjusting. I wonder if that feature can be added to my boobs. Working out? They flatten up. Having a fat day and need to look like your boobs stick out farther then your stomach? They plump up. That would be nice.
Shutting up. Now. This would be funnier if you were drunk.
I'm in line for the self adjusting boobs!!!
Bikini time, ack!!! I'd rather eat my own poop than wear a bikini. Now wait, forget that, I can't see myself going that far. I'll leave that to the gorillas. :)
I'd be up for my girlfriend having automatic boobs. Dunno about the flattening part though.
Maybe they could be like those sneakers that you used to pump up for no apparent reason...
"The Nike Cleavage Pump" - Has a good ring to it. The commercial could have a woman at a bar who isn't getting hit on, and then she squeezes her pump a few times...
...I need to turn my brain off. You know that? It thinks too much.
Btw, ehm, Candy and Chocolate rule, but if you want to quit them too, I will most gladly accept any remaining candy and chocolate that you wish to dispose of...
...mmmm... chocolate...
Which reminds me to look into buying a train ticket to belgium.
GAH! I started going to the gym after the new year, in an effort to get a good headstart on getting my sorry ass in shape for the summer - but I think that I've actually put on weight, and not in the form of nice muscles either. Dammit!
i'm sure your boobs are scrumptious as they are. but uh, yeah, the nike air pump could always be a boost!
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Don't feel bad Rori, I did too ;) I am geographically challenged along with being mathematically challenged - I probably even have a lot more than that but then I will depress myself ;)
Bring on the boobs, yea baby!
Look at the bright side ... when you don't teach we get to read the long blog! Selfish maybe, but true.
I have never worn a bikini. Ever. And I'm 17.
I hate exposing my body for the scrutiny of others just because it's socially acceptable.
I don't want to simply be an item that guys look at and see as a sexual object.
I'm weird.
That moment happened to my wife this morning when I was talking about taking off to San Diego for a week in April. Now she's a total hottie but for whatever reason thinks she needs to lose 4 1/2 lbs. (not 4, not 5 mind you... 4 1/2) by the time we go otherwise she is threatening to spend the entire time on the beach in a pink mumu.
I'd pay good money to see that so I've bought a bag of dark chocolate to leave little snacks around the house. ... aren't I a nice guy? :)
" I will fit in that cherry bikini, dammit."
just post the photos. we'll be the judge of that, missy.
(at least one of us is still drinkin. hard. st. ides hard)
Chica, I can tell you're going to look damn fine in that cherry bikini -- you are too skinny as is!
I give you a lot of credit for keeping up with your plan.
I'm at work, definitely not drunk and I'm giggling :) Which is getting me funny looks as I supposed to be working not secretly surfing ;)