Gah. Today, I told an entire classroom of 2nd graders to shut up. Me. The, "Treat people how you want to be treated, say nice things to other people if you want them to say nice things to you, you will NOT use those words in my classroom" person.
"Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck," I might as well have said. We were having a lockdown drill. You know, practicing for Columbine. Not to be confused with bowling for. So there I am with 16 second graders who although hidden out of sight, cannot stop giggling and snorting and making "eee, eee, eee..." sounds. All under their breath. Which, if you've been in a roomful of 2nd graders is plenty loud.
Part of the drill consisted of various people banging on the doors and saying "Let me in!" Yeah, not by the hair on MY chinny chin chin. I want a job next year. While the girls were sandwiched safely out of sight behind my desk, one of their feet inadvertently hits the stereo, "Roses are red, canaries are tweety..." Bubba B bellows, sending them into a cascade of giggles, not even temporarily silenced by my frantic "Shhh! Get down!"
They giggle and laugh, they whisper, they fight, they scootch this way and that. I'm sure it sounded like a three ring circus in there. I shush them consistently, then notice that someone is peeking in the door, looking for us. The girls shift and fall, creating a wave of "Ow!'s" and "Hey!"s that will not go unnoticed. So I turn to them, open my big mouth and in slow motion, a furious whisper: "Shut UP!"
As soon as it came out of my mouth I panicked. I never use those words. Momma would have my hide. Why did they come out of my mouth now? One child reacted normally, but there's always one - who looks for your mistakes. "Miss Alex, you said it you said it you said it you said it!" I thought about it, realizing that I couldn't play it off. Pretend that I said something else.
Angry at myself and at my little parrot, I sat at my desk, trying to calm down so I could apologize to her. I was readying myself to call her over and apologize, explain that my mouth got the best of me, but I just sat, stubborn. Mad.
Several more events took place, a gain, a loss, resulting in me just sitting at my desk at 2:00 - a pool of jelly. Are Fridays supposed to be like this? Sorry for the cryptic. Despite the fact that I'm a huge jackass who cannot control her own mouth, my students' business is their own. And I don't know how to password protect these darn things.
There should be a 1 shit day a week rule, n'est-ce pas?
Both my parents were teachers for over 30 years and they probably did or said things to students that they regretted. Teaching is a hard job and I have much respect for anyone who decides to take that path. Sometimes with teaching shit happens. It happens with EVERY teacher.
"Shut Up?"
This is what you're beating yourself up over? Please.
You have a lot more self restraint than me. You have no idea the string of obscenities I would've used on those kids (they gotta learn it somewhere, right?).
And the one that said something about it... I'd probably have given that one detention, or some other horrible punishment for "crackin' wise with me."
I don't think I'd be able to hang onto a teaching job for long.
I could never teach b/c I'm afraid I would utter much worse than that. Hard to turn it off and on, esp. when you're annoyed.
Wow, crazy gunman drills? School has changed.
I imagine that if the situation was real, the kids would be frozen in terror and not really caring if you told them to Shut Up, because you would be saving their hides. But I guess that doesn't really occur to kids.
Teachers are human too! They're a litle weird, but they're human! Endorse yourself for not really telling them what you feel like saying sometimes!