Public Service Announcement: I am doing a meme, I'm doing a meme! If you don't like it, SUCK MY DICK! I don't have one, of course, but I think a well-timed "suck my dick" is pretty funny. Especially if you're a girl. "Suck it" just isn't explicit enough for me. Suck what? And, it's a long story. So are these questions, so read on, or don't. Courtesy of the lovely Rose . Not to be mistaken for the Rosie O'Donnell, no sir. Rose writes in complete sentences. Consider this a pseudo 100 things.
Also, if you would like to contribute to that little part of me that squeals "Hooray!", leave me a comment and I will interview you.
1) You’re well-traveled and enjoy a good meal. If you could eat at any one restaurant, in any one place, and have any one meal prepared any way you want it, what would you eat and where and why?
Damn. Just one? All right, all right. There is a yacht club on the Kowloon side of the pier in Hong Kong. They have amazing food there. We never made enough money to be members there, but my Auntie Jo, did, and that woman knew how to throw down. You walk in the club, take the elevator up and are immediately escorted to a private dining room complete with, ummm...EVERYTHING. You name it, they find it. I remember the dishes being exquisite, each one an explosion of flavors in your mouth (How fucking trite am I? Hi! I'm Rainbow Trite!) , for lack of creativity.
The yacht club is where we had the drunken shrimp. Have y'all had that? I'm barbaric enough (What? It's true! We've all heard my Japanese "Me! MEAT! GIVE!" Grunt. Grunt. My husband gets excited when I say that, too, in case you were wondering.) that I enjoy watching my food gasp for air before they are flambéed and hand fed to me. By half naked clones of my husband. If you can get past the killing part, it's THE delicious, dahling.
Sadly enough, all I remember is the never ending champagne. So where? Hong Kong, overlooking the lights. Prepared how? In small portions, with lots of champagne.
If we were just going for appetizers, I'd have to insist on Sushi Land in Saipan. They have the best Lanya rolls (tuna with Tinian peppers - Lanya means "damn!" or "shit!") I've ever tasted. Probably a little crack in there, too. Those things are addictive.
2) Loving couples like you and DH are always having banter that, if it doesn’t crack you up, surely cracks up others around you! Tell us about the last time you and DH were talking to one another in public and made people around you either stare, or laugh.
The bad thing about dh and myself is that we're so self-involved when we talk that we usually don't notice when people pay attention to us. Being that we live on a base and parents want to know how much heroin I inject a day to maintain my "girlish" figure, I think we're under constant speculation. Did I mention that I just smoked a big joint and I'm SUPER paranoid?
Usually the embarrassing moments come when we're in the elevator. We laugh and talk in there, usually about the time that fuckifiknow and the door will open with a whole family on their way back from church standing there just as I am saying, "And there she was! On the bed! Having sex with some guy while her husband took pictures!"
The last memory I have of us "bantering" and people just staring was at a supermarket in Cheyenne, Wyoming. We were doing our shopping and were standing in front of the eggs.
TCWH: Let's get some eggs. I like eggs.
DH: What kind do you want?
TCWH: I want the egg kind. What do you mean, what kind do I want?
DH (patiently, to his dumb, sheltered wife): Well, there's different kinds of eggs...
TCWH (interrupting): Oh! I know! Like Brown or White?
DH: Not quite...
TCWH: (interrupting) Oh! I know! Like chicken or quail?
DH: No, like Free Range.
TCWH: Free Range? Free Range? What is that, like FREE WILLY? Hey! You know this one time I saw a shirt and it said "Free Willy" and it had a big picture of a penis on it and I was with my parents and really embarrased because my dad didn't think I had seen a penis in real life yet even though I was in college so he didn't know, but I didn't want him to think that this was the first penis I had seen even though it wasn't in real life it was on a t-shirt, but what is a Free Range Egg?
DH: Free Range Eggs come from a Free Range Chicken.
TCWH: I could've figured that out. What the hell is a Free Range Chicken?
Note: Keep in mind that this whole time we're standing blocking the whole damn section and let's face it, eggs are a cuisine phenomenon. People have got to have them. Or wait for us to get out of the way at this point. They can wait. I like to say "Penis" in public. Rebel! Shocker!
DH: (finding himself looking for words and finding none, he puts up one leg ala the Roadrunner, starts jerking his neck out and in like a chicken and hums something like Turkey in the Straw): der ner ner ner ner ner ner. Free Range.
TCWH (doubled over in laughter because he looked really funny. And the singing. In public. In front of the people. And the leg angled out in back, just so. And the neck): What the hell is that?
DH: It's a free range chicken! I'm roaming free! On the range!
3) Are you a burper or a farter? What’s the most public place you’ve ever “let one go?”
Definitely a burper. My family makes no beans (hahahaha) about being proper. We do NOT fart. EVER. God forbid we go to a meal where the food is, ummm, digestively challenging. My parents would rather I blow up like Veruca Salt and fly away rather than release some tension. To this day, I have never heard Momma or my Dad burp or fart EVER. Except maybe that muffled burp followed immediately by the "Excuse me." Behind the hand or napkin, please.
Most public place? Sheee-it you ask fun questions, don't you? I burp in my house, constantly. Which is private, I know. Probably school, today. I have a hearing impaired student in my class. I just got this nifty contraption (Aside alert: When I was reading this to dh, because he is at work and those motherfuckers blocked his sites, THANKS!, I called the thing a "con crap tion". Hmmm.) today that amplifies my voice, while simultaneously making me look like a "ROCKSTAR" because it has one of those little ear to mouth microphones. As we were reading a story, the kids asked me to sing into the microphone. I refused and burped instead. Not on purpose, but I was secretly thrilled because I always wanted to be like Booger on 'Revenge of the Nerds.' As for farting publicly, my parents had my buttcheeks sautered together at birth. There's always a silver lining behind the full moon.
4) When you were growing up, what did you want to be? What’s the most fantastical story you can share about what you “wanted to be when you grew up?”
Fantastical? I don't know. Would you settle for crap-tastical? I really think that I wanted to be happily married. To a very rich man. Most three year olds make up elaborate stories about imaginary friends. I had an imaginary husband. His name was Frankie. And I don't know where the poor bastard worked in Chicago, he took the "L" to get there, but he made mad cash. We had lunches in Canada, dinners in Paris. Every day. I suspect he was some kind of mobster. He was never around much and we never talked about where he worked. Only the private jets that we flew there in. And after that I wanted to be famous. (Thank God I got over that, right?)
5) Share with us your best “out of the mouths of babes” moment. This can apply to the children that you work with as a teacher, or can be something that you said when you were just a young’un.
I'm totally cheating, because not only was I not here, but this doesn't even come from my students. It comes from my step-kids, instead. The "DUDE" and O.E.O (Oh Englightened one, bow, bow, bow, for those of you not in the know - he's now a teenager) , before they were cool enough to be The "DUDE" and O.E.O (BOW WOW WOW YIPPEE O, YIPPEE YAY)
The "DUDE" at age three: Dad! Dad!
DH (concerned): What? Are you okay?
The DUDE": Dad, Dad! O.E.O (bowing) called me the A word! He called ME the A word!
DH: He called you the A word, hunh? What'd he call you?
The "DUDE": Dad, Dad, he called me the A word! He called me a Bitch!
And that's about all for now. Thank you, Rose. It was greatgooglymoogly-riffic. The rest of you. Scat! It's Hump Day. But leave a comment first. Kiss kiss.
OH. MY. GOD. You had me when you described your dh doing the Free Range dance at the supermarket isle! BWA-HAHAHAHAHA!!!
The chick equivalent to "suck my dick" is "eat me." Because I just KNOW you wanted to know.
Chinese food in Hong Kong sounds delish. Never having been out of the U.S., I think my first choice would be an authentic Italian meal at some small Mom & Pop place over in Tuscany.
I'm with you on the burping and farting. Burping, I'm a bit more relaxed about. Farting? I can barely type the word! UGH!
1) Sushi - I'm so there, dude.
2) Free Range Chicken Dance - SNORF!!!
3) "con crap tion"...hee.
Thanks for the laughs...
Haaa! The free range egg story killed me - or would have, if I wasn't already dying from this cough I have.
I think I've been to that yacht club in HK, but we didn't eat there just met some friends and went out on their boat for the day. I can't answer your question about a meal, but I've got a chocolate molten cake fettish right now. YUMMMM!
Yeah...
If a girl ever told me to suck her dick... Well, first I would check my map and make sure I wasn't in the Village or San Francisco... then, if both of those inquiries came up false, I'd utter the phrase,
"What the fuck?"