Dear Stars and Stripes,
Please stop knocking on my door night after night after night after night after night! I know we once enjoyed an informal dalliance, which, if you will recall, YOU put an end to. I can never explain the feeling of utter despair I experienced when informed that I would no longer be able to bury my face in your crosswordy goodness because I had let more than 3 accumulate on my doorstep. Oh, how I paid for that infidelity (3 nights at the New Sanno!) and inability to bend over and pick you up.
I've got news for you now, my old friend, the crack you're peddling? Get a new whore, because I've got me a new fix. His name is "PEOPLE" . Whereas your crosswords left me befuddled and angry, his crosswords leave me sated and surprisingly intellectually unstimulated, with just enough energy to turn the glossy, picture-heavy pages laden with gossip and unimportance, in between licks of my kettlecorn and chocolate sticky fingers.
For some reason, you refuse to just let things be over. Like a spurned lover, you come back for more. No matter how many times I say, "No Thank You!" as politely and as painlessly as I can possibly muster, you come back night after night after night. Sending as many different salesman as you can so that I might be tricked into welcoming you back into my arms and onto my couch, oh deceitful one. This girl's not for hire, and I refuse to let your questionable "politics" and poorly written commentaries darken my doorstep. Perhaps if I had a new dog to house train we could work out a deal, but alas, my tower is petless.
You're in the military. Didn't they teach you that "No" means "no"?
Ahhh, I got the NYTimes desk calendar, so I have a new crossword weekly without having to drag my lazy ass to the newspaper stand to actually buy the Sunday issue. I tend to procrastinate on doing my work by doing the crossword, validating my procrastination by saying that at least I'm still doing something that uses my brain.
i thought what they taught was 'don't ask, don't tell.' Tell them you're gay. Then maybe they'll leave you alone.