And just because I'm wearing a shirt that says it, I think Today is my Lucky Day.
My brain is already here:
How the hell can I be expected to spend a grueling X hour kidless day at work trying to write report cards? I CANNOT. Don't trust me with sharp utensils, people. And that means those little drink umbrellas, too.
Sitting pretty here, an hour before the WHISTLE! And I think I'm done, until I notice a GLARING ERROR on my report cards. I have left out their LIFE SKILLS. I mean, do you really need me to tell you whether your kid writes legibly or not? Unless they're scrawling down my drink order or signing a check, I really DON'T CARE! Make sure you cross that "t" in Margarita, honey, and that loopy, cursive "r" on the "on the rocks" and separate the 'l' and the 'e' on double! I don't want some slimy watered down sh...stuff. Because we don't have potty mouths in front of the children, dahling. And I always teach 'em what's essential.
What's that? Is your kid listening attentively? Well, when I told Chuckie there to go get me my Valium he snapped to it double quick! And when I made them recite the recipe for a Long Island Iced Tea from memory instead of the Pledge of Allegiance, they all got A's! Mmmm hmmmm, they'll all be just fine. How come you don't feel like they're listening to you at home? Oh, they are, trust me. The other night, when you told your husband that you're not Superwoman and that you couldn't do it all AND fuck all night you stupid son of a bitch? Guess what OUR story of the day was? She's listening. She just doesn't like to clean her room/brush her teeth/do the dishes.
Phew. That was a nasty little turn I took, verdad? I just realized that I felt jaunty in my Lucky Day T-shirt, until I realized it said "tOday is MY LuCky Day." That's not jaunty, that's just stupid. *sigh*
Commencing vacation brain shut down t-5 minutes ago and counting. Wanna know where I'm at? I'm on the beach, bitches! Be safe, y'all.