I think the universe likes to play jokes at times. Not too cruel. I'm not emotionally scarred for life, but I think somebody is getting a good laugh over my itchy fidgets. I am assuming (yes, yes, ass out of me, ass out of you. Let's face it together: Somebody's an ass, and it probably isn't you) that this happens to everyone at some point. I am only subjected to the "happily ever after" because I am confined to this base. And see the same people over and over and over. Not complaining, mind you. Merely stating.

So, I was staring at this guy's crotch the other day. Well, damn if I wasn't entitled to it. Have you seen those new zippers? They have a piece of cloth that is the equivalent of a nautical flag hanging off the front. The result, friends, Romans, and countrymen, is that it looks like the zipper is at half mast. Trying to determine if I could get my girl scout points of the day by saying "XYZ!" I was really concentrating on his nether regions. Scowling, I'm sure. As I realized that this looked perhaps a bit abnormal, Ooooh, you think?, I glanced up to see him staring at me. With amusement. The "Yeah, that chick TOTALLY wants me" smirk. FANTABULOUS! No harm, no foul. I shrug and walk away.

Imagine my delight and surprise when I see him at the gym the following morning. I see him spot me, and nudge his friend. I tell dh "That guy? That's the ONE who thought I was staring at his crotch." He reminds me that I was, in fact, staring. At his crotch. But I hold that it doesn't count. It wasn't for sex! It was for community service! Because that makes it so much better. Like I can wear it on a t-shirt and explain myself.

I later figured out that the gentleman with the extremely obvious crotch attention drawing to zipper is the father of a girl at my school. He smiles very bigly at me whenever he sees me in the halls. Somewhere, somebody is laughing.

Who invented those damn zippers, anyway? Probably the same person who invented women's garments with words on the ass. It jiggles enough as it is. I don't need a quantitative "juicy" confirming it, thank you. More importantly, why draw ATTENTION to your crotch? Is it so people won't look at your face?