List, list, you get the gist.

1.) It's a daunting thing when your teenager is able to voice his opinions to you in a calm, rational, adult manner. HO LEE SHIT! O.E.O. (bow wow wow yippee oh, yippee ay) wants us to move to Washington. Where will we work? Dh can own a skate shop. What about the little lady? I can open my own school, a HEADSTART, since there are only two in the area. Where will we get this money? We can take out a small business loan. What if we don't make enough money? What's more important? Your children, or money? Game, set, match - we don't have a DAYUM thing to say.

2.) It boils down to this: We don't want to live in the States. Their mother has made it ABUNDANTLY clear that even if we live within a five mile radius, she will only allows us to have them "every other weekend". Not to mention, the bitch is crazy. KURRRR AAAAAAA ZZZZEEEE. She likes to boil rabbits. Dh and I already discussed the situation. Were the boys able to live with us, we'd make a home closer to them in heartbeat. She should be honest with them and tell them what she told us. Specifically, they will live with us "over her dead body." I'm just sayin'.

3.) I think I've dealt pretty well with my (shhh! whisper!) IN FUR TILL I TEE. Can I tell you that it annoys the living hell out of me that when I see a newborn baby on TV, I can smell it? I can smell the baby? I can feel the soft hair on the top of said newborn's head? It's enough to drive a girl to drink.

4.) I think I would make a killing on a "gym etiquette breathing class". See, if you make your mouth in the shape of an "O", when you expel air, it will most likely exit silently. If not, then it will just sound like a big whoosh. Softly. If you make a smile, like you're saying "HEE!", and expel air, it will come out ala Lamaze. This can be very distracting to your gym mates. Especially when you insist on trying to deadlift heavy amounts. And you just can't. But you psyche yourself up by saying "Hee! Hee! Hee! Hee! Hee!"

5.) Note to self: SELF! Do not drink 1 entire bottle of Champagne because it taste like twinkling stars (or at least that's what you think when it slides over your tongue) therefore making you sparkle from the inside out (oh, and HELL YES, I really believe that shit!). It will give you troubles on the treadmill. SELF! Do not refill that glass! Do you hear me? Korbel. Blanc de Noirs. M'mmm, M'mmmm, gooooooood.

6.) Other note to self: Resolve NOT to slather difficult children in Crisco and tie them to the outside of the safari bus. DO. NOT. EVEN. THINK. IT.

7.) Y'all have a good week.