Good Lord, somebody pull out the dope on a rope, because I need some funny. I was over at Rachel's the other day when I noticed that she has cited me as one of her favorite humor blogs. While I certainly appreciated the plug, and was flattered, I just don't feel funny anymore, y'all. I just don't feel. I feel overwhelmed is what I feel. I know that dh cautiously balances what he does and does not tell me so that I don't freak out (And I am SO MORE CAPABLE of freaking out than I've ever let on) but I can't describe the type of pressure I feel over here. I feel like I'm the jester, whispering, "Can't we all just get along?" while part of my family lives the moneyed life and the other half of my family scrapes together for a living, appearing happy and liquored up and politically correct at family gatherings while secretly gossiping each other to death. Even me. Reduced to spoken words hushed behind a cupped hand and distanced speculation. I try and stay out at Momma's as much as possible, watering the plants, working out, keeping my nose out of everybody's business but people want to know WHAT HAPPENED? Why did you let that boy throw that bottle at your head? You honestly couldn't SEE, TCWH, that he was bi-polar? How could you not see that? and if they don't want to talk to me because apparently I've offended in my flippant snobbish ways, then they look at me all slit-eyed, whistling "FUCK YOU" under their breath while smiling at me and waving from afar. Even if that's not my life anymore, even if that's not me anymore. Even if I don't know who that girl is anymore. I still feel reduced to her. I have no life outside of myself. People only know about me what they THINK they know about me. Snippets of judgements that they have formed because they knew me when I was little and said shitty things like "She's the maid, she doesn't need to eat," and "I don't want to see Niagara Falls from the Canadian side, how different can it be?" They don't expect me to have quirks. They don't know that direct eye contact bothers me. I don't like talking on the phone to salespeople. I don't like going to the movies because I don't like people looking at the back of my head. I don't like standing in the shower after the water is turned off, because my feet are still in the standing water (even if it is just a millimeter of it!) and it makes my skin crawl. All they know is what they can gnaw from me visually. The size of my clothes, the color of my eyeshadow, the length of my hair. Supposed mannerisms observed from year to year every summer. They assume. And if you think that doesn't eat you up inside, while it will if you let it. They don't know what my husband's name is, or that I am neurotically in love with him, or why I married him. They don't know that I won't live here because I can't stand all the pettiness and in your face and backstabbing of this family or that I don't want to be like them when I grow up. Bitter. Untrusting. Spewing hatred like bile with every word that comes out of their mouths, save for the ones that request more alcohol, please?
Is my view skewed? Of course. Is my whole family like this? No. I just feel lost in it. Will I get out of it? Over it? Of course. I just don't know what to do to get there sometimes.
First, you're not alone. Everybody's family is fucked up to some point and it took me a while to figure this out. These "perfect" families are just fucked up in private. :)
Second, it's very difficult to change how someone perceives you. What you need to remember is that their opinions don't matter. What matters is how you feel about yourself.
And finally, remember that we all have strange phobias, turn-off, etc. Well, except me, of course. I'm perfect. It's all the rest of you that are weird.
Geeze, that sounds a little like my Family. Not that I needed it, but that's exactly why I hate getting together with them.
They're a bunch of gossippers (is that a word?) and it drives me crazy.
Oh how Howard is right. Even the 'perfect' families are fucked up just privately. That's my family!!
And I should explain. You are one of my favorite blogs to read. You do have an amazing sense of humor.
I don't expect you to keep this up all the time. Especially right now. Noone can keep that up all the time unless they're on some serious drugs in which case I would like some too.
I did say that you one of my favorites for humor but Alex I DON'T expect that all the time. And I don't expect you to put on a show for entertaining rachel.
When you're funny you're fucking hilarious. When you're normal you're alot like me. Who couldn't love that!
I can't agree more with Howard. Everyone's family has some sort of dysfunction. Most of that, I think, comes from all kinds of unrealistic expectations we have of one another. There's really no way around it. I can sympathize. You already know how fucked up my family is.
And about your quirks, I can't stand to get my head wet. I have to wash my hair first thing in the shower because I can't stand to have the water running on my head. And I have a swimming pool. Tell me how stupid that is.
I totally agree with the above - all families are dysfunctional, even if it's ever so slightly. You can't stick that many people together - some related by blood, some not - and have it be "normal." *That wouldn't be normal.
And quirks are what make people individuals. What fun would you be otherwise?
Howard is a genius. There are times when I really miss having my family close by, but more often, I am glad, grateful, and relieved that I live on the other side of the world.
Thanks for the comment on my blog, by the way. I needed a laugh. I was getting too riled up about my stupid sister...especially after she replied with a "F* You A**hole" after I tried to explain why her email was stupid. LOL Ahh, drama!
You are cool! You are normal. We all have weird stuff coursing through our brains.
Personally I don't like getting embarrassed, but these days I'm getting used to it. Now when they whistle under their breath, I smile!