Yeah, don't worry. I'm not going to bore you with the scintillating details of all my appointments today. Momma once told me that she knew Nana was getting on in years because she had a tendency to talk about her health often. I feel like that person. And y'all, if I ever start talking about bowel movements using those exact same words? Bowel Movements? Just kill me. Preferably quickly. Shit is funny. Poop is funny. Bowel movements? Not funny. They're like the Richard Lewis of scatological humor. Who, by the way, if you google, delivers this very lovely painting of a gentleman:
Quite nice, isn't it? (imagine me adopting fake British accent a la Madonna right about now, you know, 'cuz I like to shake things up over here) The light, and the way all the muscles of the gentleman's back are detailed...okay, okay, it's a naked guy. I ::heart:: naked guys. Especially with the tan lines. They make me all giggly inside. Well one, specifically, and that would be (drum roll, please) dh. Yeah, big cliffhanger there, TCWH.
::changing subjects:: Speaking of dicks (Ummm. RICHard Lewis naked boys, NOT DH. I shouldn't have to point that out, but you never know.), ladies and gentlemen, I provide for y'all's entertainment another reason why DH is allowed to be a parent and I probably should be kept away from children at all costs.
TCWH: (desperately trying to make conversation with dh's younger son so that they will please please please like me and not label me the housewrecking hussy/tart/whore that their mother so creatively has) So, Cub, did you like school this year? What grade were you in? What was your teacher's name?
Cub: (not his name, but a nickname of his choosing. He said it's short for 'Chewbacca'. Apparently this is cool.) Yeah.
TCWH: (like a fairy on crack - eyes popping out, overly enthusiastic *shiny*, doing everything I can short of attaching myself to his little leg and begging 'like me, please!') Good, good! You liked it! You liked your teacher?
Cub: Yeah.
TCWH: That's GRRRRREAT (I don't think I showed this much enthusiasm when dh asked me to marry him)!
Cub: Yeah.
TCWH: So your teacher, what was he like? What was his name?
Cub: Ummm. Mr. Long.
TCWH: Long? That's an unusual last name. What was his first name?
Cub: Richard.
TCWH: (voice rising) RICHARD? Your teacher's name was Richard? Richard Long?
DH: (gently grabbing my thigh so I will shut the hell up) Cub, what did you tell us you wanted to get for your birthday?
Cub: What? What's so funny about Richard Long, Dad? TCWH?
TCWH:....(suddenly very interested in amount of candy wrappers accumulating at my feet) Ummm. Nothing.
Thankfully, I was not the one to introduce Cub to the tradition of the Richard/Dick nickname, THANK GOD. Their mother already skewered me for (insert something here). His virgin ears happened upon that questionable practice within the next year. They grow up so fast - I just hope I can keep my mouth shut 'til they have it all figured out.
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