NOTE: This post is dedicated to Crissie, who, after some prodding on my part, said that I had "the look". My intention? To show her that the look (which I so shamelessly flaunted in the Snapshot: Teacher post two below) was obtained with a whole buncha lighting and a whole buncha make up.
Today, dh called and informed me that our friends, the quintessential all-american family were having their pictures made. Professional pictures. "Wouldn't it be nice if we had pictures?" "No," I replied, maybe a little too loudly. "No? No? Why not?" "Have you forgotten what we look like in pictures? TOGETHER?" I squeeked, nearly hysterical at the thought of being put in front of the camera again and coming out looking...well, ugly. "I guess not," dh sighed, conceding defeat.
Four years ago, we were at our first Christmas party together. Our first official couple function. I was in a full length dress. With the hair and the smile and the make up and all that goes with it. Dh was with the suit and the hair and the wattage smile, and I thought we looked de-gorgeous. Until I got the photo. I, one who so cleverly angled myself as to appear "thinner" ended up looking like I was trying to hide. Deer in headlights facial expression included. Dh, sitting, was startled. As a result, his body is captured (forever) in a pose like that of a prairie dog. Momma, not unkindly, asked if he was handicapped before hiding the picture in the formal room, where no one ever goes. Pshaw, I can hear y'all saying. Well, just wait until I get my hands on that "Kodak Moment" and am able to post it.
Three years ago we were at an official function, here. Pictures were 5 dollars. That's almost free! When someone asked us whether we would be partaking that evening, we politely declined, only to be bullied in to it. I retold my sob story, only to be ignored. "You two couldn't take a bad picture if you tried," they scoffed. "Barbie and Ken" they said. Well, dear jury, I submit this picture into evidence:
Go ahead and have a good laugh. I'm sure the photographer did. He sent us the negative WITH the picture - nope, he won't be making any money from us. One? My eyebrows. Ew. Two? Dh looks stoned. Three? My monkey fingers have made an appearance, and the camera has definitely added 10 pounds in this instance. The photographer, when he took the instant picture? said, "Oh dear. Let me take another one." I am sure if I had looked like this on the first morning after dh and I moved in together? He would've sent my junk ALL the way back to Saipan. Those teachers who said we looked like Barbie and Ken? retracted that statement as soon as they saw this pic. One just said, "Sorry."
In fact, we have NEVER taken a decent photo together. I don't know what it is. Apart's fine. It's some sort of bizarre phenomenon. Look at this picture of Dh from the desert.
APART. RREOWR.
Together. Not so much. Rudolph and Serial Killer are a couple words that come to mind.
APART. INFURIATINGLY.
Together, SURPRISE! And MONKEY FINGERS!
Apart.
Together.
There's a trend here, y'all. It's infuriating. Like when you hear your voice on the answering maching and you think, "WAIT! That's not me! I can't sound like that!" That's what I say 99% of the time when we get pictures back. No look here, nothing to see. Move along. If you look worse than we do together? PROVE IT.