As I sit here, listening to Jesse McCartney and his pre-adolescent beautifulness squeak out "Beautiful Soul" (Shut up. It's not like I bought the CD) , I look back on my quickly approaching four year mark with dh and see how much I have changed. Maybe I can finally call myself a grown up. Dubious.
I stereotyped myself in many ways, growing up. I think it all started when I was in college, at 16, and couldn't figure out how to "BE." In that environment more than any other, people stereotype based on looks and actions - for a young person, that can be life altering. For me, it became a definition. "If you're going to be that kind of girl," my friend Adrienne told me, "your feelings can't be hurt if people think badly of you or call you slut." And when I was standing in the bathroom with her in the stall at Limelight laughing wildly while she did a bump and people plied us with drinks, I thought that I didn't care. Compared to the rest of her club friends, I was a doll. Drug Free and Relatively Virginal. Put me in a box and sell me and somebody love me, please please.
I don't think that I was ever "that kind of girl", but that doesn't mean that I didn't make the mistake of having loose lips. I remember cleaning out my college stuff in Momma's attic one summer, and coming upon a list with dh in my company. It was a list of all the people I had kissed. Dh was more than amused, pulling the list from my hands after he read "hottie in bar" over my shoulder. "What's this? What's this? You don't even remember the poor guy's name?" he chided as I frantically grabbed it from his hands and ripped it up into a katrillion microscopic pieces so he couldn't possibly reconstruct my oral indescretions. I didn't want to be the girl who equated any sign of affection, even a kiss. with acceptance any more. Magic Wand, Magic Wand! Make her disappear...In my mind, if a person kissed me, then they liked me! They really did! Momma used to say that I was just trying to find my prince (i.e., kissing alot of frogs) , but really I feel that I was needy. Desperate. I wasn't sure if that smile or hug was enough, but sure! stick your lips on mine, and I would know. Back ass wards, now, I realize. Or maybe it is just dawning on me, now that I have kissed dh and FELT E-LEC-TRIC-ITY for almost four years running that it is not the THRILL of the CHASE and subsequent conquering that makes those tingles.
Sure, now that it is winter and we have gotten ACTUAL and painful sparks due to socks and lack of humidity every time I kiss him, I still think we've got it.
Aside: I don't know which is worse, Jesse McCartney on Rhapsody, or Ryan Cabrera on MTV, BOTH BLARING SIMULTANEOUSLY. I realize the former is completely mea culpa, but the two cookie cutter blonds is too much. My head is going to explode in about 4 seconds. I've got to get out of here. For that reason,
I'm outta here. Hopefully y'all will be in some altered state when you read this and "forget" about my pensiveness. Go forth and multiply.
No going forth and multiplying for me! At least, not for a very very long time.
My friend just found a similar list she made up a long time ago, and almost chucked it.Then decided to keep it; I'm not sure why.
And you're so lucky you've found dh! Isn't that what we're all looking for... getting beyond the thrill of the chase and still having the electricity there. Maybe someday I'll find that. And then I'll heed your words to go forth and multiply ;)
I've been done multiplying for almost 15 years. If it happened now, I would lose my mind.
Now wait, I already lost my mind.
Have you seen it?
My best friend has my *List* I haven't even thought about it until you just wrote this blog entry.... Oh boy, the stories...
Hubby and I are going on 5 years, feels like 15 ;) I can't believe he even puts up with me but shhh don't tell him, I make him thing its all him *evil laugh*
I couldn't write out a list like that accurately no matter how hard I tried. Some things re meant to stay dead.
Jesse McCartney makes me want to poke straws in my eyes.
I relate to this kissing thing, sadly I was one of those girls who slept with them instead of just kissing.
Oops.
great post. (found you through zee)
i think a lot of girls grow/grew up insecure and needing someone to validate them in someway. turns out it is easiest to get validated by horny boys who "want you" or "like you" if you'll kiss them or more.
it is nice to see someone getting past that and realizing they are so much more than that.
btw, i see you're reading a christopher moore book. how is it? i've been eyeing it forever, and loved his previous works, but.. you know, as a bookslut, i try to pretend i have self control in regards to buying everything that looks good.
ciao :)
When I first heard and saw Jesse McCartney I could have sworn it was Nick Carter's younger bro, Aaron. I also realize that the fact I know both of these guys is scary in itself.
Wait! Hold the f'ing gravy train... College at 16... Do I smell an over-achiever here? Do I?
I think I do!
Also, the kissing thing is well... I'm a dude, so for me, I guess its always been cooler to:
a) Lose count of such things
b) Not have to talk about kissing
c) Have something better to talk about.
Add football, beer/pizza, and various things being scratched and you essentially have the last 4 years of my life in a nutshell.
Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yes, thats right...
WHO THE HELL IS "JESSE MCCARTNEY?"
Is he/she some sort of demon-pop offspring of the once great Sir Paul? Please say that isn't the case. I guess I should be glad to be safely out of the loop here in Edinburgh. (Unless of course he IS the demon spawn of Sir Paul, then I'm sure the BBC will devote a month to him shortly...)