Rainbow Trite | TCWH | Married Life: # 5422

So there we sat, yesterday, conversing mindlessly - covering events of the day, wondering how she could believe that her dog chewed up somebody's drawers and that's why he needed to make purchases at Victoria's Secret, what I was going to do in school next week, how we needed to work out more, when dh - hold the motherfucking train - said, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, genital herpes."

My mind skipped a beat hearing the timbre of his voice and rhythm of his speech, smiling at him to acknowledge the endearment, before realizing that he had just likened me to warts on somebody's DOWN BELOW. Genital herpes? GENITAL HERPES?! I've heard terms of endearment and pet names and schmoopy and honey and babe (Ooh I don't like those people. "How are you babe?" "Fine, babe! How about you, babe?" Can you get me that screwdriver, babe? I'm going to shove it my ear and hammer on it until I can't hear you "BABE" each other anymore. For the record, Babe is the name of a talking pig who herds sheep, not a sweetheart nickname.) and all kinds of other ridiculous things, but GENITAL HERPES? Harrumph, I said, sounding like I was clearing my throat from a thousand years of chain smoking unfiltered camels while I stood right next to someone who did the same thing. Phlegmy and from the chest = highly miffed.

And this is what I did, some 25 minutes later, because I am the queen of delayed reaction.

"Genital herpes?" I spouted, incredulously, voice rising to impossible wavelengths, figuring that if it were at dog frequency, dh might hear, considering the other day he disclosed that sometimes he chooses to NOT hear me. "I don't call you...um, um, I don't call you (insert desperate attempt to call him something as infuriating as genital herpes, unsuccessfully) FEMININE ITCHING!"

And that brilliant husband of mine, not missing a beat, because that would be my job, you see - stated directly in our marriage agreement - laughed out loud and stated, "No, that's your job!" And then demonstrated to me how it was me, by showing me "This is your scar, and this is how you scratch!" And for finesse, he even shook his leg, like a dog. He did this for about 4 minutes, because YES! IT! WAS! THAT! DAMN! FUNNY!

And all I could come back with was "But you called me Genital Herpes!" weakly, incompetently, flaccidly. To which he zing!ingly exclaimed, "I only said that because of your parasites," referring to my ringworm. Which I got from some unidentified dirty child.

And then I got crabs for dinner. Non-stop laff a minute here, folks. But at least Jesse McCartney has been banned.

While I'm sure that sucked at the time, you will have a great laugh at it down the road... I think.

Hope you at least enjoyed the crab. I remember one V-Day, my ex made this lobster pasta and I had a hard time enjoying it b/c I'd just read an e-mail joke about some woman that put a lobster tail up her hoo-hah and it laid eggs in her. Urban legend, I know, but still, the image wouldn't go away.

comment by Becky at 04:28 PM on 02.21.05 [ link ]

Haaaa! That was totally funny!

Amongst the biggest gossip to hit my little grapevine in the last year, we found out that this former friend got herpes. The saddest part though, was that she's a totally private sort of person, and the idiot told her closest friend, who has THE BIGGEST MOUTH in all of christendom. Obviously everyone's found out by now. But the funny part (of course there is one), is - well, you'd have to know her, but that girl is a train wreck and of course the one time she has a onenight stand, she gets a VD. Sad, really, but sort of funny in a cosmically doomed sort of way.

comment by Gloria at 10:25 PM on 02.21.05 [ link ]

Herpes... thats a good one, I'm going to look into using that myself.

Now, as for the use of "babe," I have to admit that I am guilty.

BUT ITS NOT MY FAULT! I swear! I started using it COMPLETELY as one of them machismo kinda things. You know, like the Fonz would do.

"Eh, Babe, go grab me a cold one and then bring that sweet ass back over here." and such.

The lady, however thought that it was a good thing and began to use it herself as a term of endearment. I guess its alright though. Saves me from all kinds of accidental name-slips.

Like, you know, calling your girlfriend by your ex's name even if they're both similar names really isn't going to leave your nuts intact.

So, I'm all for "babe."

Of course, there is a danger that by the time I turn 80, I won't remember her name at all.

comment by Brian at 10:29 AM on 02.22.05 [ link ]