There are certain morsels of knowledge that girl-babies learn from their Mommas. I've been trying to rack up a good ten that I learned life-through, and come up short. I know that woman taught me something, but I seem to have forgotten them, as of late. Married life makes you lazy, you know. Your brain turns to mush. Of the most important lessons?

1.) Don't drink cheap champagne. It gives you a bastard of a hangover.
2.) If you DO get drunk in public, make sure that you are not the angry drunk kind. Drink until you are charming, witty, and pretty - or drink until your company is.
3.) If a man fucks you over and wants you back, make him crawl on his bare knees over broken glass before you tell him you'll even consider it (thank GOD we are past the dating stage, eh? She's brutal).
4.) Always, always make a graceful exit.
5.) If you or your kind has been wronged, take on the demeanor of an angry snake. People will think about fucking with you twice.
6.) Love your family like nobody else.
7.) If you think you're an alcoholic, go to church.
8.) Getting pregnant before the age of 23 is grounds for Mother/Daughter homicide.
9.) When you're trying to woo a man, tell him that you can cook and clean and all that wifey shit. He doesn't have to know the truth until after you're married.
10.) If your body is happy being the way it is, don't drag it to exercise class, eat you some ribs.
11.) If you must curse, use the words with gusto and finesse. Inserting 'shit' here and there out of laziness in unacceptable.
12.) And my favorite of all time: If a man talks to you like you are a "vagina with ears" stare at him blankly until he goes away.

Happy Mother's Day, y'all. Especially to you, Momma. I wouldn't wish myself on anybody else.