SHOOOORN

C'mon, sing along now, you know you want to. Loud and out of tune singers preferred.

I’m all out of hair, this is how I feel
I’m cold and 1/2 a foot is lying freshly slaughtered on the floor
My haircut never changed into something with appeal
I’m wide awake and I can see my waist length hair (author's edit: creative license taken) is SHORN
You’re a little late, I’m already SHORN. SHORN.

Bah. I don't have enough creativity left to write a decent parody. Weird Al, Weird Al, where the hell are you?

I always go through these "things" when we start to leave a place, to prepare myself emotionally. I always. SHUT. DOOOOOWWWWNNN. I stop talking to people and just get really anti-social. I mean, Thank God we've got friends who are used to the transient life style and keep inviting us out even though I turn total asshole and stutter, "Uh, uh, uh, I think I have to wash my hair..." or some such other bullshit. They move too. They know.

I had to go to the Dr. today for an emergency pregnancy test. I'll spare you the details, but feeling exhausted and dizzy accompanied with other indicators (that were present last time) sent up the red flag. I think this is the one time where I am actively praying that the results come back negative. The fatigue, lack of appetite and dizziness scare the hell out of me, though.

I have a theory that every teacher has a finite limit of patience per year. Today, I exceeded my limits. Morning Entry into school:

TCWH (not so sparkly and not so refreshed): Good Morning Children!
Children (shiny and new): Good Mo...
1DamnKid (LOUDLY and clasping my hands as if he is drowning): Miss M! Miss M! Guess what! Guess what! Did you go see Star Wars?
TCWH (smiling and trying to peel his freakishly strong hands from my forearms): No honey, I'm waiting to...
1DamnKid (interrupting): You DIDN'T? I DID! The GOOD GUY TURNED INTO A BAD GUY! And then...
TCWH (All Sugar and Spice): Honey, please don't tell me about the movie...
1DamnKid: AND THEN THE LADY! SHE GET PREGNANT! AND THEN THE LADY! SHE FAT!
TCWH: Listen to my words. I am asking you not to tell me about the movie because...
1DamnKid: AND THEN THE BAD GUY? HE LOOK LIKE THIS (glowers). HE GRAB HER (grabs my stomach) AND GO LIKE THIS (raises other arm) TEACHER,WHAT HIS NAME? THE BAD GUY? WHAT HIS NAME?
TCWH (bending down so I am exactly eye level with him) I asked you not to tell me about the movie. I understand that you are excited. I want to go see the movie (through clenched teeth) BY. MY. SELF. Do you understand what I am asking you?
1DamnKid: *Nods*
TCWH: Turning to go inside
1DamnKid(completely ignoring me grabs me and manhandles me again): AND THEN THE BABY, AND THEN THE BABY, AND THEN THE BABY, THEY...
TCWH (cutting 1DamnKid short): DID YOU HEAR ME? I! AM! GOING! TO! SEE! THE! MOVIE! IF! YOU! TELL! ME! ABOUT! IT! IT! WON'T! BE! A! SURPRISE!
I think I clamped my hand over his mouth at that second. I can't be held responsible for my actions. I was so angry that I momentarily blacked out. When I came to I was yelling "RUIN MY LUCAS EXPERIENCE, YOU WILL NOT! LEARN YOUR PLACE, YOU WILL! CLOSE YOUR MOUTH, YOU MUST!"

No, not really. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let a trip that started 26 years ago forcefully by my parents in a dark theater in Canada be derailed by his little motormouth. He's got no what Miss Jackson 'if you're nasty' would refer to as "Control". I should get a medal for not carrying a flask in my back pocket. Which brings me to my husband's new purchase:

HE says they help him play golf better. If I were really mean, I'd say that they are so distracting to the other players that they cannot concentrate on their games. If I were mean, I'd say that. And yes, I know in golf you are ultimately competing with yourself. But since he spent a big hunk of money to buy me a Coach purse because I am addicted to them, I wouldn't dare bring it up. I don't think mine is optically challenging, though. I'm just saying.

Closing Thought: I like on those home reveal shows when the people see their rooms and they laugh like happy monkeys. I don't know what happy monkeys sound like, but I think that if they sound like they're laughing, they're probably not mad. They're probably thinking HEY! I LOVE BANANA! See?