There's a muscle in my neck that's been twitching for the last three weeks every time I think about trying to get a FUCKING job.

Let's take a little look at the delight that has been my relationship with my current employer.

1.) TCWH seeks out educational program that will not say "fuck your two years of prior experience" and "we offer these courses, but it will take you four years to complete the ten required because we don't offer them with any degree of regularity, and even if you do complete them, we can't guarantee that you will get certified, fuck you very much! Have a nice day!"

2.) TCWH finally finds suitable program and seeks gainful employment. She sends blood, urine, fingernail and dna samples (along with 4,000 fingerprint cards) to verify that she is not in fact a CHILD MOLESTER and is capable of subbing to support her nasty little education habit.

3.) Upon urging from a principal employed in said BASTARD system that changes requirements for teachers and certification every 6 days, TCWH submits application in hopes that someone at headquarters will give her a little push in the right direction.

4.) TCWH waits patiently for 6 weeks to be told "Thank you for your application. COME TO US WHEN YOU ARE FINISHED", even though she has noted expressly on said application that she was not seeking employment, she was seeking the correct course advisement, and was directed to them.

*magic wiggily fingers - 15 months pass*

5.) TCWH tries to get student teaching position, but it met by such opposition and inadequacy on part of current employer, that her university throws up its hands in despair and says, "Enough! We will credit you with your two years' prior experience!"

6.) Upon applying for coveted position with fabulous administration, current employer decides that they should require "middle school courses" that are offered, umm, nowhere accessible to TCWH. Hopes of acquiring job spent two years subbing for are dashed.

7.) TCWH appeals to other schools on base. Lo and behold, an opening appears! It is promised to TCWH and she goes home for the summer, naively happy and relaxed.

8.) TCWH returns to school in August, only to be told that her paperwork has not gone through (because somebody put it in a pile somewhere and lost it) and that she is indeed NOT employed.

9.) TCWH has to sub in the very classroom that was supposed to be hers until the woman that they hired instead of her gets there, 4 weeks into the school year.

10.) TCWH meets replacement and inquires as to when her paperwork was finished. Late August, she is told, cementing her suspicions that someone lost her paperwork that had been submitted in early JULY.

11.) TCWH is offered part time math job. She takes it.

12.) TCWH is offered part time teaching job. She takes it, desperate for a full paycheck after eating dirt for 5 months straight.

13.) In preparation for dh's separation from the military, TCWH begins to explore other career options. During this time, TCWH meets bigwigs from said employer who tell her, "You should stay with us! You're a great asset!" TCWH silently screams after them, "I CAN'T GET A FUCKING JOB!"

14.) TCWH decides to heed their advice and update application, because she is stupid. Her application is frozen, supposedly for consideration, even though she has been employed there for over 6 months. TCWH writes to headquarters, seeking help. She is largely ignored until her principal steps in. Her application is magically unfrozen, at his urging.

15.) At social gathering, TCWH runs into employees from school she was *dying* to work at, and discovers they have no special certification. Requirements were changed right after she submitted her paperwork. *Tres! Coincidence!*

16.) In an attempt to stay honest, TCWH does not check box which would put her at the top of the hiring list due to prior experience, because she is currently employed by current employer, and there is no box for that. She seeks help from headquarters, and is AGAIN (surprise! surprise!) IGNORED.

17.) TCWH beseeches another principal for help, and is told to "take whatever is offered to her." TCWH, in her unfailing mousey-ness, surpresses urge to point out the obvious (and does not mention that her application, marked "Worldwide", has in fact been in for MONTHS): SOMEONE has to OFFER HER SOMETHING FIRST!

What's that song? "You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away...know when to RUN." Key people in my life keep telling me that I was made for this system, but right now, ummm, am I stupid? That I just don't see it?

Let's play a game, internet.

Dear Alex,

I think you should be a ____________ when you grow up, because ________________.

Maybe one of you will inspire me. In fact, I'm counting on it.