Today, when I walked into Kim's classroom, I cried. I can't remember the last time I broke down at work or the last time I felt so...useless. I very specifically remember today sitting in a group of kids in a circle on the floor, and just gazing around at them, thinking, "I have NO control over these kids." It's a helpless feeling. Especially when it's MY JOB. The thing I get paid for.

I drove home thinking about Matt, and wondering how desperate he felt to let go of his life, and his twin girls. And his wife. HOW bad he felt. I've stood there, before. Thought that ending my life would be so much better than the hell I was going through. But the difference between me and Matt is that I've always known that I was wrong.

I called dh, knowing that my make up was running down my face and that I was just driving blindly, an automaton.

I think sometimes we forget why we've joined ourselves to one person until death do us part. I know I do. You look at the same person day after day, watch them eat corn like a typewriter or leave all the caps off the toothpaste and the face wash and the shampoo, and you forget why you married them. "I love you," becomes three more words thoughtlessly tossed at your mate before they walk out the door. They just become a person. Another body that wants something from you.

I think it's dangerous to fall into that cycle.

When I got home today, dh met me at the door with a handful of boxes and garbage. We have to drive to dispose of that stuff. I sat in the passenger seat, blinded by self-pity and exhaustion - but dh knew that. And as we drove in silence, he just put his hand on my hand and left it there. So I knew that he knew I was feeling alone and spiteful and angry and incompetent.

"Want to play tennis?" he offered. "Let's go," he urged. "Outside."

I am so blessed that he doesn't lose sight, for a moment, of what it means to be married to me. Even though we're not crazy and giggly like we were five years ago, I know every day that he loves me.

And it is because of his silence and patience that I will get up and go to work tomorrow and the day after that, and even the day after that until I finish my job.

Thank YOU, dh. I wouldn't be able to make it without you.