In the interest of cementing my place in the Charlotte community as a helpful person, and not just a big, fat, whiny, complainer ala Doug and Wendy Whiner, I have decided to be HELPFULL. As in FULL of HELP. For the young college community. And, since I haven't had girls a hootin' and a hollerin' out the damn car at me since Daytona Beach Spring Break (insert year here, a lady never discloses her indiscretions), we'll help the young gentlemen who were trying to pick me up on the way home Thursday.

Dear Young Men Trying to Pick up an Old Married Lady Whilst at a Stop Light,

I admire your persistence. Truly I do. Although most would've gotten the clue from my "I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING INTERACT WITH YOU BECAUSE I AM TIRED AND JUST GETTING OFF WORK AND STINK OF KID AND AM MARRIED AND EVEN IF I WEREN'T I SWORE I WOULD NEVER GET INVOLVED WITH A YOUNGER MAN AGAIN AND YOU KIND OF LOOK LIKE THIS ASSHOLE DAVE THAT I 'DATED' WHEN I WAS YOUNGER" face, you three were undeterred by my feigned nonchalance. Points for you. The desperation and insistence of your waves (solo and ensemble) must also be noted. If at first you don't succeed, wave, wave, again (and again and again and again).

Not to be discouraged by my scowling countenance, you pulled out your cell phone and cutely (gag) gestured at it. I gestured at my ring finger. I was one finger off, sadly, as Caught Unawares Barbie would refer to it. "You want to marry me?" you mouthed. Serious loss of points here. Men the world over cringe at the mere hinting of marriage too quickly in a relationship. Just what the fuck WERE you thinking, exactly? Seriously, we didn't even just almost meet, homie. I believe you realized your mistake as soon as your friends in the front seat doubled over in laughter as we waited for the excruciatingly long red light to free us from your awkward approach and subsequent denial.

This, my friend, is where the exchange should have stopped. Make a quick exit. Quit while you're ahead. The fat lady isn't just singing, she is making the finger across the neck motion at you! Yes YOU! If I were you, I would've been praying to the goddess of stoplights. No game, no gain, isn't that what they tell you at those frat parties? Don't look too desperate? Yet you still insisted, holding up your cell phone and saying, "Can I call you? Can I call you? You call me!" Boy! That would've been a story for the kids. "Daddy picked me up at a stoplight!" would've put them in therapy for years, crying with the damning knowledge that their mother must've been a desperate floozy. My babies' chests will puff out with pride knowing that their daddy picked me up while he was on TDY at a hotel with free happy hour and HOT TUB. See the difference?

In closing, take a little advice from Lot's wife and Ace of Base. Don't turn around. Don't even look back.

Advicingly,

TCWH.