Dear Peter Pan,

Let's have a little talk, mmmkay? First off, how old are you? Illegal? Let me preface by saying that I adored you in your movie. You were the perfect mix of innocence and adolescent curiousity that made you strangely intriguing, even to us old folk.

But your newest, honey? The Lifetime Pornography Addiction on at 12 am in the morning (and we are SOOOO not talking about me right now so shut up.)? Eww... Creepy.

First of all, why are you masturbating on television, darling? You're very cute. I'm sure one of the Mary Kates or Ashleys or young up and comings would be very happy to be on your arm and I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU DO IN PRIVATE! Especially not with bad camera angles and cheap lighting and all that jazz. Fuck expanding your filmographic reputation. Shoot for the big screen. And honey? I'm only speaking figuratively!

Secondish, is it the slight lisp, the SEVERELY protruding Adam's apple that have distinguished you in the ever changing crowd? These are all things that endear you to us, Peter. We love you just the way you are without watching you dry hump some girl or two or three on TV. Some things are just better left unseen.

Cherish YOUR YOUTH.

Why you makin' creepy perv movies, Jeremy?

Fire the SHIT out of your agent, and then get you back on INNOCENT and INNOCENT and CUTE. What the hell did happen to that series, anyway?