UPDATED: Dear LORD, Please tell me that I am not the only one that finds this AOL headline atrociously funny?

Clinton? Attacks? Bush? Naughty, naughty, AOL! Somebody's going to be on his or her knees tonight. Groveling. Yeah, that's what I meant.

1.) Remember when I used to do Japan's Jackass of the day? Yeah, me either. I don't live in Japan any more, and I decided that I would be less vitriolic (ooh, ooh, ooh! Look at me! Look at me!) and more ummm...positive, but, let's face it. Jack asses are going to be jack asses, ya dig? Today's award goes to Ray Nagin. Get yourself a BLOG, man, because you certainly don't need to be on TV sproutin' prophecy about how "GOD IS MAD AT THE WORLD!" For Fuck's Sake. People have enough trouble with religion as it is. Now you want to convince them to blame GOD for the hurricanes? And I LOVE how you made it about the U.S. because after the East and West Coasts, the world just stops. Kind of like Pleasantville. Or Pleasantness. Or PleasantPlace. The. WORLD. JUST. STOPS. Tsunami Who? Bless you!

2.) I am always horrified when DH asks me a bedroom related question, because who knows WHAT I do in my sleep. I mean, I know that this one time, I got up, got a lollipop and stood in my roomate's doorway eating it until he realized that I was still sound asleep and took me back to my room, but I thought the sleepwalking episodes were over. Not to mention other things you can do in your sleep. Talk. Snore. Etc. Last week was no different.
Him: Last night I thought I was sleeping with a bear!
Me (inwardly cringing): Why? Was I snoring?
Him: No. You missed a patch shaving on your leg, and you got cold last night and got goosebumps.
Me (looking at him like the crack addict that he is): What? Are you fucking kidding me? A BEAR? Do you know how hairy those things are? You felt the hair against your leg? Through YOUR leg hair?
Him: Maybe you've missed that spot the past several days in a row. And it was really cold.
Me: Can't win for losing around here.

3.) (motioning at brain) HOW DO YOU TURN THIS THING OFF? On Saturday Night, which as you all know leads to Sunday, I had nightmares. About losing one particular student of mine. We were in Japan (I know. Nostalgia. AGAIN!), I was hiring somebody to watch him while I found a bathroom (assphinctersayswhat?) and he RAN AWAY! And I lost him! And I was so pissed off at him, but all I could do was apologize to his parents. And then! I dreamed that my report cards and assessments, which are due on the 20th, because you know, they need to check my comments for literacy- Because you know, us teachers, we don't know how to write - were all on fire! And therefore lost! And I got fired! So finally, I just dragged my grumpy, grumbling ass out of bed. At 7:13. On a SUNDAY. Which ticked me off to NO.END. Considering that I! ONLY! GET! TO! STAY! IN! BED! PAST! 4:30! 2! DAYS! A! WEEK! BLEACH (and if you are reading that properly, you will realize that it is to sound like I am retching slowly with disgust. Not channeling clorox. Like this: BLLLLLEEEEE AAAAACCCCCHHHHH. See? We all happy now? Good.)! Won't you want to know me when I become the first person to successfully perform a frontal lobotomy using only a wire hanger and some mild sedatives (read: A bottle of scotch?)? Yeah, I thought so.

4.) PEOPLE IN THE GYM! Listen up! I would like to humbly request that if you are planning on sweating profusely, say in the crotchal region(s), that you cease and desist from wearing those purple spandex leggings that you got back in 1985. Especially if you are losing the inner thing machine, the name of which fails me, because I was horrified by above implied sight (shiver).

5.) Flavor of the day in TCWH'S class? Cocklit. Actual Spelling! From an Actual First Grade Paper! HA! Cocklit. Reason #329 that I have a front row seat reserved in tacher hell. Next to Mr. Coombs, my 9th Grade History Teacher who made us spit in a cup and then drink it. Because, "It's only your own spit!" I'm still going to counseling for that! Jackass!

6.) The war against Momma's pralines is going quite well. I haven't eaten any since dh opened the container and said, 'HOLY SHIT HONEY! You did eat a lot of these!' Nope, not a one. Shame is a powerful hunger deterrent. So what kind of god is laughing down on me to make it smell exactly like french fries up in this bitch?

Please let me live until Friday without:

1.) Seeing Ray Nagin make ridiculous comments on the news (Dubious, but not impossible).

2.) Missing a spot while shaving on my legs or armpits (Dubious but not impossible), and having it rub against dh in the middle of the COLD night.

3.) Having school related nightmares (you know the drill).

4.) Gym. Crotch Sweat. Spandex Leggings. 'Nuff Said.

5.) Witnessing anything else in the classroom that will put me in a 1st class seat on the express train to teacher hell (IMPOSSIBLE).

6.) Eating, smelling, or trying to make soup out of French Fries, because goshdarnit, I LOVE POTATOES!