Editor's Note: In respect to our Japanese hosts, since this is talking about our lovely base inhabitants, maybe I should rename? Yokota's Yackass of the Day, perhaps? Whatchu say, oh reader?
Let me provide y'all with some backstory. Yokota Air Force Base is INFAMOUS for the number of DUI's that take place on a weekly basis. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday Nightly, select uniformed men and women are out carousing and rejoicing, heeing and hawing, and, against their better judgment, drinking and driving.
Now, I'm no teetotaler. We KNOWS what we knows. But good God, this is getting ridiculous, people. Last month, a young man, down on Bar Row, roughly 2 blocks from base, was so inebriated that he decided he MUST drive home. Now in order for us to understand the situation properly, picture a narrow street. Maybe 20 feet wide on a good day, and y'all know I measure my streets just like I measure my boobs. Amply. Now picture cars parked on either side, with two way traffic as well as pedestrian foot traffic. This young Mario Andretti? He passed out behind the wheel of his car, hit every car on his left within the block length, and then finally came to a stop when his car rolled to a stop in the middle of a busy intersection about 10 feet from the Base. Classy, yes?
This Sunday morning, as DH was leaving for golf, a sassy red car with sassy young girls hanging all kinds of OUT of the windows drove up to the checkpoint where they were in fact checked for I.D.'s. Now whenever I drive through that checkpoint, I am all kinds of "Yes Sir. No sir. Thank you, sir. Have a nice day!" I'm not leaning my obviously inebriated self out slurring, "HELLLLLOOOOO! I CAN DRIVE WITH ONE EYE CLOSED! SQUEEEEE!" Umm, DUI, party of one, please?
These are only two isolated incidents, sure. The sad thing? The base doesn't publicize these "happenings". No one hears about them or even has an inkling until Colonel Schissler is on the TV, making a plea that we not drink and drive. This, I blame on higher command. People should be made aware of the problem.
Last week, out of desperation, bar row was finally made off limits from 1 am to 6 am. Me, I would've made the whole thing off limits (much uglier things are afoot beyond the drunk driving. Ridiculous vandalization, yakuza presence, prostitution, gang presence, underage drinking, murders...you know, all the things the American military LONGS to be associated with) and said, "No if's, and's or butt's." Colonel Schissler, he a softy.
This morning in the gym, I had the distinct pleasure of overhearing a conversation between two rocket scientists. Now let me preface. Normally, I do not condone the military interfering in matters of off base, private time, and closed doors. HOWEVER, when it has risen to such an alarming rate that the Japanese residents in the area want to SHUT THE BASE DOWN, something needs to be done. These two men just confirmed my beliefs that some people are incapable of living without severe restrictions.
Male1: Man! DUDE! What the fuck, man? Did you hear they closed Bar Row?
Male2: Yeah man! (belches) That's a GREAT fucking idea! I mean, I'm going to drink if I fucking want to!
Male1: I know, dude! Now, we'll just have to drive farther! I mean, how smart is that ? That's just going to raise the rate of DUI's!
Male2: Colonel Schissler wasn't thinking, dude!
Male1: I know! Now he'll have a whole SHITLOAD of DUI's to deal with!
Now, what about this conversation was alarming? They MISSED THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT OF THE BAR ROW RESTRICTION. I just wanted to hit them both in the nuts with my free weights and yell "Are you fucking stupid?"
Primarily, if you want to drink, fine. Have a party at home. Go to the club. If you DO feel the need to go out, WALK! I am proud to say that every single time I have been out, I WALKED. Or had a designated driver. WALK. If you are too drunk to walk the two blocks to Bar Row? You are definitely too drunk to be out in public amongst lurking yakuza. JACK ASS.
Secondarily, if you want to go farther? To Tachikawa, say? TAKE THE FUCKING TRAIN. You can WALK to the station, and then RIDE the train. I've seen plenty of drunk Japanese people on the train. One even peed on the train. So you're a little soused. You'll blend right in. And it'll promote better public relations than smashing your car into a parked car or hitting a motorcyclist. Again, if you are TOO drunk to walk to the STATION, STAY HOME, ASS! OF! JACK!
PSST! If you take the TRAIN, you can even get down to Roppongi, where all the "little hotties at", you fucking morons. Have another drink, Jack.