Setting: Yokota School. Tokyo, Japan.
Time: Roughly 2:45 Yesterday.
Venue: Volunteer Tea.
Speaker: TCWH Silver-Tongued Extraordinaire
Audience: All of staff, including Principal, many parents (*GREAT!*)

TCWH (clears throat): Well, the parents who have stopped to help us out have really made a special exception (mind goes blank).

I don't remember anything I said from this point on, except when I paused to knock over all the library books in front of me as I gestured to our volunteer. I then squealed (FUCKING SQUEALED! Yes, like a stuck pig, even.) because I was so damn flustered. Steadying the books I joked, "Yeah. I'm a public speaker. Hah." Which was hilarious! I mean, I should write sitcoms or something! OR at least in a blog, verdad? Then, as I was introducing this poor woman who volunteers at our school just about every day, I said, "We really can't do anything ABOUT her," while I was pointing at her. Pause, Pause. Blink, Blink. Audience murmurs, "Did she just say what we heard her say?"
What I meant? We really couldn't do anything WITHOUT her." Bastards and bastardettes, somebody shut me up now.

Then (after the event was over and I had stopped sweating profusely-a la Sissy Spacek covered in blood in 'Carrie') my principal came up, positioned himself as if he were me and said, "Hi! My name is TCWH, and I'm going to give a speech!" and repositioned books violently around the room, as I had done.

I was relieved. He could've been embarrassed by my obvious crack habit that I try to pass off as extreme anxiety.

Guess what? When I went to the bathroom, I disovered my zipper had been down the whole time!

It could be worse, right? When I order my next helmet, I'm going to get a matching camelbak and fill it with wine. If I'm knocking shit over and slurring and hanging my goodies out, I'm gonna be prepared with a decent excuse.