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Doin' the time to get the dime. Her Momma did NOT raise her to drink cheap champagne.

April 14, 2004

Military Base Mathematics

!cid_001b01c42239$a7743e70$0300a8c0@ACERTABLET.gif
Y'all have to understand where I live. In order to get home, I have to drive down one long stretch of road (about the size of a football field), go out one gate, drive past a guard into another, and then cross some train tracks. As I neared the football field stretch of road, I noticed brake lights. Lots and lots of brake lights. No problem I thought, there was a good song on the radio, I'd wait it out. (Like I had a fucking choice. It's ALL about options!) (driven by spoiled high school kids and people who care more about their car image than the food they put in their mouths) snake up to the front of the line. I pulled over to the left a little to watch him, hoping and praying that he or she was not a total fuckface that would simply *click* put on the blinker and proceed directly to go. Guess what? She or he was. Okay, okay, okay, I remember thinking. One car. It is okay. One asshole. One asshole doesn't have to spoil it all. Then, came a red mitsubishi. Then, a red acura. They were doubling! And how far had I moved this whole time? Ding! Ding! Ding! You're right! Another two inches! A five minute trip took me 42 minutes. This is what I noticed:

For every 1 leader asshole, there will be 3 others who follow.
For every 5 assholes, 2 are red cars.
For every 4 assholes, 12 more will follow.

38 minutes later, as I neared the front of the line, I noticed that ALL THE ASSHOLES were making a break for it. Quick, quick, get in that lane so you can put your blinker on and FORCE (and by Force, I mean, get the front end of your car RIGHT in there so that I cannot possibly drive around you even though I have been waiting her for 3 fucking quarters of an hour, and you 5 minutes!) your way in front of me! No! I don't have anywhere to be! No! I don't have a final due today in about 3 hours that I still need to work on! Sure! Go ahead! Not even the obligatory "thank you" hand gesture. Not that it would have made a difference at this point.

Worry not. I got home a ridiculous amount of time later. I'm thinking of sending a copy of this post to the base paper. (Yeah right, y'all. Like I would ever do anything to stick up for myself. Except stick my tongue out behind your back.) What makes this situation even more infuriating is that the minute (Yes, yes, the FUCKING minute) I drive off base, there's the Japanese, bowing and driving, letting me in all over the place, guiding me out into traffic, and extending their general courtesy all over the road. Makes me want to stand at the gate with a sign that says, "What in THE HELL is WRONG with you people?" I don't think that would go over to well with the Colonel. But oh believe you me, I was entertaining some motherfucking ideas. In my mind, I got out of my car, went up to that Aristo, that mitsubishi, that acura, and banged on the windows, gesturing wildly, screaming, "Don't we all have somewhere to go?" "Don't we all want to get home?" and turning around to the ear-splitting sounds of applause to all those non-assholes who waited in line like me. But I, I took the road less traveled y'all.

Military Base Mystery: In the drizzling, I saw some families walking down the football field stretch with pizza boxes. At first, I thought they were holding them to shield themselves from the rain, which of course is what I would have done, but as I watched, they just walked, holding them at their sides. They must have been hungry.

by Alex at 09:34 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)
Comments
on April 15, 2004 06:55 AM Simon said:

How did you get that picture? In fact, how do you load up all of these pictures in every post?

on April 15, 2004 03:34 PM Howard said:

That, my dear A, is exactly why I like my big ol' gas-guzzling Chevrolet Truck. Anyone tries that "You better let me in" shit is going to get 3 tons of All-American steel wedged in their ass crack.

on April 15, 2004 08:43 PM Surfcat said:

Cool animated gif!

on April 16, 2004 12:39 AM Alex said:

H,

Laughed my ass of when I read your comment, and considering that I have not been LAUGHING as of late because of the military, I thank you. Heartily. Did I mention how some ass jack in an SUV tried to get in, and when denied pulled up even farther and bullied his way in? I need a big ass truck, too.

on April 16, 2004 12:40 AM Alex. said:

ASS OFF.

on April 16, 2004 12:41 AM Alex. said:

SC,

Spank you. Spank you veddy much. I stole it from my teechur.

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