April 18, 2004
TCWH: So Damn Accomodating
Happy Sunday Fair Readers! In the interest of raising site traffic, I have decided to be Ultra (That's right, ULTRA! Like the newest Marlboro's!) accomodating and SUCK IN (You are getting very, very, sleepy. No! Wait! Look into my eyes, damnit! Look into my eyes! Or I guess look into your screen. ::shrugs:: Concentrate, DAMNIT!) anyone who happens by here by accomodating their requests. I'm like Subservient Chicken, only I'm vocal. And I do not perform sexual favors. Or do housework. Or jump and down and quack. Or do anything that the damn chicken does. Thus, without further ado, I present the following: (Ummm. No drum roll here. How about some 70's porn music? Bow chicka wow wow!)
Dear how do i get a girl to let me go down her pants,
Firstly, I must apologize to you. I am sure that upon perusing my site, you were disappointed to find no such advise. Yesterday I stated that you may go fuck yourself or someone else, but apparently herein lies the problem. You have not found the *lucky* lady who will allow you to fumble your way into the immediate vicinity of her *ahem* vagina. That being said, I hope your search was not entirely fruitless. For advice, not women.
Secondly, the issue at hand. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you are all of about, oh, 12. But for legal purposes, I will pretend that you are 18. I will also tell you the same thing that I told my cousin, when we had this talk. If you are going to get a girl to let you go to 3rd base (Because I'm so up on the teen lingo, y'all!), you damn well better be sure that you're ready to invest some time and money. Or go get you a slut, and just get the whole fucking ordeal over with.
What you must first realize is that throwing on some (Insert whatever fucking stupid music you listen to here, like J-Kwon. Let's revisit him. I guarantee you that sharing some pot with a girl and then kicking her to the curb because she won't do what you want her to is not the advice that you need to be listening to.) is not going to cut it. Well, maybe it will, but there exists an abundance of artists out there who I assure you will help you reach your goal.
My personal favorite is this band:
. Throw this baby on the record player, cue it to "Afternoon Delight", turn that shit all the way up, and let the magic happen. If you're old enough, I'd also indulge in some wine. If you're not old enough, which I am sure you aren't, I'd also indulge in some wine. Some nice Boone's farm - although not the blue kind, because it will also turn
your tongue blue.
Hmmm...lost train of thought. Was whisked away while writing for drinks and fun, and now, well...You're on your own!
Wishing you luck!
TCWH.
skip the boone farm.. save money and get Mad Dog.. then you can save up enough to take her to the local Burger King and get her something from the value menu!
What no quacking? What was the whole thing about accommodating? Oh well. Next time for sure.
