April 29, 2004
Smack My Bitch Up
This should really be titled what babies smell like, but, I'm listening to that song right now, so I figured, "What the hell?" You know me, a little whim, a little wine, and pretty soon everyone's clothes are hanging from the chandelier!
The other day, I nostalgia bought (Nostalgia bought: When you buy something because it reminds you of a time a long time ago because of smell, sight, etc., EVEN if you don't fucking need it. Most oftenly occurs when spouse is away.) some Johnson and Johnson (and MOTHERFUCKING JOHNSON) baby shampoo. If there is one thing I am addicted to like crack (worse than that heroin habit I kicked a couple of years back), it is the way that babies smell. Their heads, specifically. Have you ever smelled that? I mean, "should've stopped by to get me high" and all that good stuff, but damn, I could carry a bunch of kids around like a bouquet of squirmy flowers and sniff those like my friend Kevin sniffed Scotch Guard in High School. Consequently, he fell of a building and didn't die because he was so damn high that the doctor said his body was nice and loose. He bounced. God, I love that kid. Kevin Chow, if you read this, you're my hero.
Where was I? Babies. Washing my hair, I opened the bottle expecting to be able to replicate that better times inducing smell on my own head. I opened the bottle, took a big whiff and SNEEZED. What the fuck? It smells like a french whore up in here. Here's another fucking tangent. When D.H. and I first met, I always thought that he was a busy guy (TCWH for male slut) because it always smelled like skank in his apartment. Turned out he was just a clean freak and vaccuumed about 30 times a week with that *gag* scented shit that smells like DING! DING! DING! French whore. Maybe I should say Uruguayan whore? I've never actually been to France, so I don't know what they smell like, but I have definitely seen a Uruguayan whore. And some American ones. And some Russian ones. And some Filipina ones. Hang on, hang on - got to think about it. I'm going to go with the Russian Whores for 1000, Alec. Okay. Washing hair. Open bottle. Russian Whore. I don't mind smelling like a whore - I mean, hey, I work with little kids, how much trouble can it get me in? But a baby? No more baby headed sweetness. Damn you, Johnson and Johnson! Who told you you could fucking change that? Although, I suppose with a name like Johnson and Johnson, you're looking to attract an older clientele...
I remember that smell, as soon as I saw the picture that smell came rushing back. Thanks for the heads up. I'll never buy it.
Well, if one person doesn't buy it, then I'm happy! It actually resembles a perfume I used to buy, but the name fails me now. I just wouldn't put it on a kid. I don't know. Maybe it grew on me. So what I'm really saying is, I have no clue.
